Michael Abrahams | A missionary, a tribe and a quick trip to heaven

John Allen Chau was a faithful and devout American Christian missionary. He was literally a man on a mission… to tell as many people as he could about Jesus Christ. The 26-year-old was a graduate of Oral Roberts University, a Christian university in Tulsa, Oklahoma, founded by a man who claimed to have conversed with a 900-foot-tall Jesus.

On the other hand, the height, weight and body mass index of the Jesus Chau was speaking to are not known. What we do know is that his Jesus had instructed him to spread the “good news” about him. And why not? After all, any guy who can multiply food and turn water into wine would be a hit at any party.

Apparently, number one on Chau’s bucket list was a trip to hang out with the Sentinelese, a tribe on the island of North Sentinel, part of the Andaman and Nicobar archipelago in the Bay of Bengal. The Sentinelese are estimated to comprise between 40 and 200 individuals and are considered to be the most isolated indigenous people on the planet. Anthropologists claim they have inhabited the island for 55,000 years and speak a unique language unrelated to those of inhabitants of surrounding areas. They have consistently refused any interaction with the outside world. As a result of their isolation, they likely lack genetic immunity to common viruses, such as influenza and measles. Introduction of these and certain other infections to these people could decimate or entirely wipe out the entire population of the island.

One more thing about these folks: they will kill you. To say they are hostile to outsiders would be an understatement. The only person known to have established friendly contact with them was an Indian anthropologist named Triloknath Pandit in 1991. Since then, encounters with them have not ended well. After the Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004, they threw spears and shot arrows at a rescue helicopter as it flew overhead. Then, in 2006, two fishermen who strayed onto the island were killed, and their bodies hooked on bamboo stakes like human shish kebabs. Therefore, for both the inhabitants' protection and the safety of outsiders, Indian law prohibits travelling within 3 miles (4.8 km) of the island. 

Chau knew all this but spent three years planning his ill-fated trip. He intended to, in his own words, “declare Jesus to these people” who he suspected may be living in “Satan's last stronghold”. Despite being aware of the law and the risks to his life and the lives of the inhabitants of the island, he paid fishermen to take him into the area. They stopped their boat a little less than half a mile away from the shore of the island, and Chau paddled to land with his kayak, which the boat had towed.

Chau documented his initial encounter with the islanders in his diary, which I must say, is a very interesting read. He arrived bearing gifts of a football and fish and said he "preached a bit to them starting in Genesis." Not only did he fail to receive a collection for his sermon, but tribe members with arrows approached him. As they did, he hollered, "My name is John, I love you and Jesus loves you". Unfortunately, the love was not returned. Remember, these people speak a language that is not even similar to those of nearby tribes. It is unlikely that their SAT scores in English would have been high. They had no idea what he was saying. Had he said, “Shake your booty”, it would have probably had the same effect.

Not surprisingly, his monologue bombed, and one of the younger members of the tribe shot at him with an arrow, which pierced his waterproof, but apparently not ‘arrowproof’, Bible, as he held it against his chest. According to Chau, he “broke off the arrow on page 453 of the book of Isaiah”. He subsequently ran away, with tribe members chasing him, then swam away, about a mile back to the fishermen’s boat at the mouth of a nearby cove, as they had also damaged his kayak.

Those of us in possession of a brain with dimensions exceeding that of a guango pea would have headed straight to the mainland, and from there to the airport and flown the hell away. But Chau was undaunted, writing, "this is not a pointless thing," adding, "the eternal lives of this tribe is at hand."

So, he returned the next day, only to face a barrage of arrows and an express trip to Heaven. I suspect his friend Jesus egged him on to embark on his adventure but failed to tell him that his body would have used as a dartboard. I am told that Jesus knows, like, everything. Maybe he wanted Chau to hang with him at his crib in the sky. Who knows.

Meanwhile, some Christians are hailing Chau as a martyr. As for myself, I think he was a certified lunatic. He was clearly driven by his crazy religious beliefs, which unfortunately placed not only him, but also the tribe, in jeopardy. His behaviour is an excellent example of the powerful and disturbing sense of entitlement that religion has a tendency to bestow on the faithful.

Anyway, at least one good thing came out of his visit there… the natives can now play football. Maybe now they will start their own league.

- Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.