Michael Abrahams | Boys in pain

A few months ago, I was approached by members of a women’s organisation to take part in a boys’ forum. My role was to interact with boys, specifically a group of grade six boys from a primary school, and engage them on issues that concern them.

On the day of the meeting, I entered the venue and was welcomed by several ladies of the organisation, as well as the vice principal of the school and the grade six teacher. Seated in a circle were 37 boys who greeted me warmly and eagerly awaited my comments.

I began by performing a song titled ‘Tuck Een Yu Shirt’, done to the melody of the dancehall song ‘Tuck In Yuh Belly’ by Leftside and Esco. The tune was about paying attention and behaving appropriately in school, and the boys clapped along, laughed and applauded loudly. The session was off to a good start.

I sat and joined the circle and the conversation began. The first topic was concerned with what it means to be a man. I asked them if they ever heard that boys and men are not supposed to cry. There was a unanimous “yes” from the lively audience, but I quickly shut it down by telling them that crying is a natural response to pain and that it is okay to cry.

Then other issues were brought to the fore, such as bullying. One boy said that the other boys teased him about his lip and called him ‘Long Lip’. Another boy quickly chimed in and said that they called the boy ‘Liptimus Prime’ as well. To be honest, it was funny, and the room erupted in laughter, although I later told the other boys that they should give their classmate a break and stop teasing him.

Colourism also made an appearance when a dark-skinned boy said that he was told that he was so dark that if he lies on the street he would be camouflaged, and that a light-skinned classmate called him ‘Black Guango’. So, in retaliation, he called his classmate ‘Red Peas’. Again, there were peals of laughter, before I addressed the issue of skin colour and discrimination.

The topic of girls and women and how they should be treated was also addressed. Several of the boys admitted to having girlfriends, and one boy pointed to another and said that he got six out of 20 in a test because he was thinking about a girl. Again, the room erupted in laughter.

And the conversations continued, about sexuality, sexual abuse and grooming by predators, peer pressure, alcohol, tobacco and marijuana use, depression and other forms of mental illness and a variety of other concerns.

But, at some point, when the boys became comfortable and realised they were in a safe space, reports of trauma began to appear.

One boy spoke of his parents being involved in regular physical altercations and seeing his mother stab his father with a knife. Another spoke of being held up, robbed and stabbed in his abdomen when he was in grade 5.

When the discussion turned to fathers, however, the energy in the room fell precipitously.

I asked for a show of hands to indicate who lived with their fathers, and less than half of the boys responded. Not surprisingly, when I asked who did not know their fathers, several hands went up.

Then the stories began.

One boy said he met his father when he was eight years old. He bought him some books and shoes and has not been seen since. Tears welled up in the youngster’s face, then he broke down and cried.

Another cried after saying that he does well in school and that he longs for his father’s affirmation, but his father never congratulates or praises him.

One boy said his father keeps promising to buy him a bicycle, but never shows up. Another said his father turned up one day and said it was the last time they would see him. The next day he stole a car and a gun and was arrested by police and had been behind bars since. He was told that his father has “gone crazy”. After relating the story, the boy wept uncontrollably.

After a while, there was literally not a dry eye in the room. The storytellers, their classmates, the teachers, the women who invited me and myself all shed tears.

I was grateful that I gave the boys permission to cry at the beginning of the session, as some of them were in excruciating emotional pain and seriously needed to vent.

BOYS NEED LOVE

Why should we care about this? We should care because a lot of our boys are hurting, and hurt boys grow up into hurt men. Hurt men will hurt their spouses, children and others, and the cycle of pain will continue.

We must pay attention to our boys. We must not neglect them. We must nurture, affirm and motivate them. We must allow and encourage them to express their emotions without judgment. Too many of our boys are lost and require guidance and appropriate male role models.

Father’s need to be physically and emotionally present in their sons’ lives, and the concepts of mentorship and of ‘big brothers’ ought to be appreciated, embraced and put into action.

Our boys need love.

- Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams