Michael Abrahams | Children Should Be Seen AND Heard

Growing up, I used to hear the expression “children should be seen and not heard” ad nauseam. The initial meaning of the saying, an old English proverb from the 15th century, was that young women should not speak in the presence of adults and is recorded in the collection of homilies written by an Augustinian clergyman called John Mirk in Mirk's Festial. In its original form it was written as: Hytys old Englyschsawe: A maydeschuld be seen, but not herd. Over time, however, the subject of the saying evolved from young women to children.

Today, there are many who will quote the saying and insist that children comply. Yes, when around adults who are having a conversation, children ought to be respectful and not insert themselves into the discussion. However, the phrase is an unfortunate one, as many adults interpret it literally and are not interested in listening to what children have to say. Many see them as dependent little beings with minimal experience who have little to teach us.

But children should be listened to. They have lots to say, and ignoring them or shutting them down places them at risk. The value of listening to children should be a no-brainer.

Over the past couple of years, I have been invited, with increasing frequency, to address groups of children, and have learnt a lot from my interactions with them in these forums. After my meetings, I always leave with much food for thought, and the realization that some of the issues many children face were not even on my radar when I was a child.

For example, during meetings with boys over the past two months, I have learnt how much the absence of fathers can hurt, how female aggression can affect them, and that the distrust of guidance counsellors at schools limits the options they have regarding counselling for their issues.

Children need safe spaces in which they can express their concerns, fears, ideas and ambitions without fear of judgment. Many need listening ears but have none, and it is to their detriment.

As a gynaecologist, too often I have come across survivors of sexual abuse who have been silent for years, sometimes decades, because they had no one they trusted enough to turn to when they were suffering in the midst of their crises. I recall a woman I met in her sixties who told me of being sexually assaulted as a teenager, and that I was the first person she was ever opening up to about it. When I asked her why she did not tell her mother, the reason was that she “was not the kind of person you could talk to about things like that”, a response I hear repeatedly.

This is in contrast to another woman I spoke to who, after being molested by a family member, went directly to her mother and reported the incident. Her mother’s response was to go straight to the police and file a report, resulting in the perpetrator being arrested, charged and convicted. The strong maternal response helped the girl’s confidence, and made her feel secure, knowing that no matter what, her mother would stand up for and defend her.

Children need to be acknowledged. We need to listen to what they have to say, with much empathy and little judgment. We must read what they write, look at what they draw, and observe their body language and tone when they communicate with us.

In other words, children require the full attention of their parents and caregivers. The need for safe spaces cannot be overemphasized. During mealtimes and while travelling to and from school,for example, are occasions we can often take advantage of to explore the head spaces of our offspring. Some of the conversation topics may make us uncomfortable, and the dialogue may be awkward at times, but this is part of the responsibility of being a parent. It is not an easy job, but we owe it to our children. Their feelings need to be validated, and not ignored or dismissed.

The danger of our children feeling that they are unable to discuss certain issues with us, is that they may turn to inappropriate sources of advice, such as their peers (who lack experience), entertainers (who may encourage promiscuity, recreational drug use and rebellious behaviour), or the Internet, where they can be exposed to lifestyles that, if emulated, could lead them to self-destruction.

We must listen to our children. They must be given safe spaces in which they can freely express themselves. Children must be seen, heard and protected.

- Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams