Daniel Thwaites | Ah dat sweet yuh?
Published:Sunday | December 29, 2019 | 12:00 AM
I expected that all of Jamaica would have heaved a collective “Amen” to the obvious truth of Pastor Andrew Scott’s teachings that the missionary position is the natural way to approach venereal matters. Instead, the pervs and deviants came out in full force to shout down the pastor.
So we need to clear up this matter once and for all. It’s urgent.
Round about Christmas time, people find themselves with spare time and we know the devil finds work for idle hands. And then perhaps a little extra rum punch. And then someone forms the idea to get festive and creative. And then the inevitable happens. Did you know that September is the most popular birth month? Why do you think? Sinfulness.
I myself am a September baby, born nine months to the late-afternoon of a Christmas party. And yet people always misinterpret when I tell them I owe my life to “Gawwwd and the spirits”.
St Albert Magnus (c. 1206-1280) observed: “Nature teaches that the proper manner is that the woman be on her back with the man lying on her stomach.” But understand that this was a wholly civilised man, who allowed for deviation in distressed circumstances like illness, obesity, or an advanced state of pregnancy.
St Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) endorses Albert, finding that “marital relations are contrary to nature when either the right receptacle or the proper position required by nature is avoided”.
JFLAG is giving the Government the dickens about the law of receptacles, so the matter may have to go to the people in a referendum. But the authorities should be equally attentive to the degradation of sentiment regarding proper arrangement and positioning.
Obviously, these timeless principles have to be adjusted to local realities and conditions, particularly because there are some extraordinarily large persons among us, not everyone can afford a bed, and some of us are under strict doctor’s orders to burn more calories than lying down permits. In these cases, there is a sliding scale of acceptability. If missionary is impossible, according to the literature, one ought to go side-by-side. If that can’t work, sitting is the next best option.
Only in extreme circumstances would one be permitted to stand. So notice, there’s none of this “stan’ up an’ dweet mi fren’, nuh gwaan like a coward,” as per Shabba Ranks’ (1966-present) specific instructions.
And finally, if all else fails, one may approach from behind. But note that this is a last resort, reserved for only the most extreme cases.
Alexander of Hales (1185-1245) considered it coupling “in the manner of brutes” for precisely the reason Terror Fabulous (1974-present) explains in ‘Position’: “b***y up in the air, everyting roun’ a back”…nothing is left to the imagination!
Nowhere in the authorities is lizard-lap, foot-pon-shoulder, or wheelbarrow mentioned, far less six-thirty and lap-scootchie.
Anyway, here is apostle Scott:
“The same way we talk about mental illness, diabetes and murder, we should talk about sex. Sex is now rampant in our society, causing a high number of abortions, STDs in throat and mouth…”
Amen, pastor. Rampant!
“Certain kinds of intercourse, him (men) couldn’t get it at home. Miss Mavis daughter nah go give you, you cya tek her and spin har pan no chandelier, or whip har. And so the whipping, the whipcream, the handcuffs are the stuff that prostitutes offered. But now dem nuh have no work because we transfer dem to wi houses.”
These girls nowadays are putting the prostitutes outa business. And that’s not right. Wife work is wife work; matey work is matey work; and prostitute work is prostitute work. Just like husband work, side-man work, and jump-off work are like different civil-service classifications, and these workers don’t even belong to the same union.
But this is the portion of the sermon that really caused the ruckus:
“Right now, based on published health articles, the doggy style sex position is a major contributor to males dying early from strokes…”
Now look at that! In my naivety, I thought it was the women who might be in danger of the strokes. Turns out it isn’t Miss Mavis pickney in danger, but the poor chap trying to keep her happy.
Stick a pin and hold that thought.
Back to The Star article:
“You must be in the position of a dog or a beast. Sad to say, several women, that is weh yuh like,” he said, to much laughter from some members of the congregation. “Right positions would be a woman lying on her back, the man on top of her, and man and woman facing each other, a picture of true romance.”
Pastor is perfectly aligned with the thinking of Albert, Thomas, and the other Fathers. But then note the words: “several women, that is weh yuh like”. I’m willing to wager that the disruptive laughter coming from “some members of the congregation” was a nervous and guilty laughing.
Here we have the public health authorities fogging and searching-up people’s yards for mosquito breeding sites, and right unda wi nose, all of this lethal backshottery is going on. And what is worse, these perpetrators aren’t taking it seriously when pastor is bringing it to their attention.
Pastor, you need to point pon dem! Usher them out!
In fact, I’m surprised pastor didn’t enlist the help of the imprisoned philosopher Kartel (1976-present). Because in ‘Dumpa Truck’ he bemoans the very same illegitimate preferences:
“Yuh luv get backshot, ah dat sweet yuh,
Luv de lizard-lap, ah dat sweet yuh,
Siddung pon it, ah dat sweet yuh,
Foot pon shoulder, ah dat sweet yuh”
TRUTH IS AN OFFENCE
Anyway, not once in the torrent of public commentary following the brave sermon did I see somebody standing up for the embattled parson. No wonder not one righteous could be found in all of Sodom and Gomorrah!
But the truth is an offence, not a sin. So talk up de tings, parson; don’t mek dem frighten yuh!
These are the same people who want to perpetrate all kinds of acts pon poor Miss Mavis grandpickney. Never mind if Miss Mavis is 100 and the grandpickney is a 50-year-old expert…is still people pickney! And even if she is demanding these things, that makes not the slightest degree of difference from a theological point of view.
And the sad thing is that all of you who were smirking at the parson KNOW why you enjoy these sorts of wrongs…because you’re a bunch of dirrrdy dawwgs.
On a completely separate note, 50 years ago my parents were married on Barry and Paulette Chevannes’ patio by a priest soaked in J. Wray & Nephew. Congratulations. What can I tell you? This time, stay away from the punch.
Daniel Thwaites is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com