Gordon Robinson | Haemorrhoid hams it up

Last night I dreamed we were playing dominoes at Gene Autry’s childhood home, with our pal Haemorrhoid as kibitzer.

By now, regular readers know Ernest H. Flower (aka Haemorrhoid). He was a lazy articled clerk who complained incessantly about “piles and piles” of files on his desk. That work ethic, together with his middle initial, naturally inspired his colourful nickname. He knew not dominoes but, as a world-class raconteur, was a welcome spectator.

Haemorrhoid long ago migrated to Australia where he became a successful lawyer, but dreams know neither time nor space. In my dream, Haemorrhoid launched one of his famous shaggy dog tales.

“Maurice earned the nickname Man Mountain because of his huge frame, which he insisted was kept healthy by his love of pork.

He fell in love with his first wife, Virginia, the moment she put a succulent, baked ham on the Christmas table. They were married before New Year’s. She never baked ham for him again and they were soon divorced. His second wife, Plum, was the first woman he knew able to roast pork with crackling. He was hooked. Then she switched religions and stopped eating pork. The marriage ended within a year.

In his time, Man Mountain was a good schoolboy footballer. He remained a massive football fan and travelled to every World Cup. He booked tickets for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar from early 2017. Throughout the pandemic’s many waves, he took vitamins, obeyed pandemic protocols and, most importantly, ate ham three times per day.

His third wife, a pig farmer named Penelope, kept his supply as regular as his night-time handshaking with his best friend. She confirmed his belief ham was health food by telling him it was high in protein but low in carbs, fat and calories. She even taught him something new, namely, ham was rich in selenium, which is great for heart health. He touted ham as his number one anti-COVID therapy.

He considered himself third time lucky. Penelope was definitely the one!

But, in July 2021, Man Mountain was playing dominoes and talking excitedly about his 2022 trip. His friend and fellow pork lover Frank Bacon exclaimed, ‘Den yu neva know sey pork ban inna Qatar?’.

Haemorrhoid paused to lecture: “Guys, you gotta tell American World Cup commentators the host nation is pronounced ‘Cutter’ NOT ‘Kah-Tarr’? Please and thanks.” He returned to his tall tale.

‘What?’ Man Mountain was nonplussed.

‘Not only Qatar,’ Frank continued. ‘Everybody roun’ deh is Muslim, so yu nah get ONE slice ah ham.’

Man Mountain was so distressed he stopped playing and went home to discuss the impending catastrophe with Penelope. After days talking about nothing else, the plan was, Penelope would send ham twice weekly to a friend living in London. Every day, he’d smuggle more ham through Qatar customs for Man Mountain.”

Haemorrhoid couldn’t contain himself any longer. Anticipating his punch line, he collapsed into a fit of premature giggles of which legendary BBC cricket commentator Brian Johnson would be proud. When he recovered his composure, he delivered this gem:

“The moral of the story? If Man Mountain cannot go to More Ham, then More Ham must go to Man Mountain.”

TAKE VACCINES TO THE PEOPLE

I woke up realising my dreaming a little dream of Haemorrhoid was his ethereal way of exposing the flaw in Government’s roll-out of 300,000 COVID vaccine doses expiring September 30. Jamaicans are asked to travel to centres sprinkled islandwide for vaccinations. Turnout was low not because of vaccine hesitancy alone, but hesitancy enhanced by lack of empathy for a population low on computer literacy; time for weekday travel; cash for public transport; and enthusiasm for crowded taxis/buses. This made believing whack-job conspiracy theories more convenient than difficult.

Government should now take responsibility for public health deterioration; get up off lazy backsides; and take vaccines to the people by any means necessary, including going door to door. All political representatives must be proactively involved.

On election day, these MP wannabees and activists eagerly enter every nook and cranny to selfishly provide transport for granny, auntie, cousin, brother and sister. Now Jamaica needs them to stop posturing and start doing the same work for the national good.

Peace and Love!

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.