Gordon Robinson | The essence of garbage

In Apocrypha, that fantasyland in a galaxy far, far away, Government’s man of many hats – Party General Secretary, Deputy Prime Minister, and National Security Minister Harris Ch’iang - was in a state of flux.

In an incident that made every media newscast, Speaker of Apocrypha’s Parliament Merrily Dullrumple was observed by police disposing of garbage in an illegal area then arrested and charged with illegal dumping. Harris wrestled with conflict. As General Secretary, his job was to spin the issue until it disappeared in a whirlwind of confusion. But Merrily had apologised to police at the scene so talked herself out of a Shaggy defence.

As National Security Minister, he had to defend police for making a valid arrest, and as Deputy Prime Minister and also a Member of Parliament, he should show concern that the Speaker breached a law passed by the very Parliament over which she presided. Normally that would mean that she had to step down as Speaker, but that would be politically problematic for the Party. So Harris felt like Ella and ‘Pops’ on a foggy day in London

“I was a stranger in the city;

Out of town were the people I knew.

I had that feeling of self-pity

What to do, what to do, what to do?

The outlook was decidedly blue.

There was only one hope. Harris asked Oma for advice as to how to overcome his conflicts of duty and Speaker Merrily’s excessive speaking that brought more trouble upon her and gave him a panic attack. Regulars remember Oma, a retired politician, who, despite his PhD in logic, was, like a moon, bright only in the dark. But he had a knack for solving political problems by parable, which caused his post-retirement consultancy business to flourish.

Oma told Harris to buy a computer. Harris looked puzzled, so Oma told him the story of the computer programmer whose wife had programmed him.

“Once upon a time, Juliet, a humanities professor, married Andrew, a computer programmer. But Andrew rarely paid her any attention. Even when he was at home, he’d be glued to the computer, endlessly tinkering. She often asked him what he found so much time to do around the computer when he seemed to have no time for her. He’d always answer: ‘A computer is only as good as its programmer. Garbage in; garbage out!’

So Juliet did all the chores around the house while Andrew was glued to the computer. Finally, she could tolerate his indifference no longer so asked him to leave the computer for a while. She said: ‘Would you go to the shop and pick up a loaf of bread? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.’

To her shock and amazement, Andrew left home immediately, went to the store, and returned home with 12 loaves of bread. He noticed that Juliet looked more than a tad bewildered.

‘They had eggs,’ he explained.

Harris still didn’t get it, so Oma patiently explained that many people, but especially politicians, are like computers. They operate on the principle “Garbage in-garbage out”. Politicians are indoctrinated not to think or speak independently, so they have to be programmed by expert “programmers” (political “spin doctors”, or “campaign managers”, or “aides”, or “consultants”, or any title that made them sound useful). These programmers used codes (a.k.a. political slogans) created by coders (pollsters) who immediately forget how their codes work.

Political consultants/computer programmers are skilled in telling you of a problem you didn’t know you had and then fixing it in a way that you don’t understand. By this nimble technique, computer programmers/political consultants secure jobs for life.

Programming politicians (and computers) today is a race between software engineers (political consultants) striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programmes and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. So, like garbage cans, if you step on politicians’ toes, they open their mouths.

Oma advised Harris to find a spin doctor good enough to programme Dullrumple to only speak in comfort zones (like Parliament) or to tan a her yaad, keeping safe from pandemics and curious policemen. Otherwise, she should be taught that she has a right to remain silent.

Iconic American journalist Bob Woodward famously said (of politics): “There’s a garbage culture out there where we pour garbage on people. Then the pollsters run around and take a poll and say, ‘Do you smell anything?’”

Garbage culture? Sounds about right, so expect more garbage in; garbage out!

Peace and Love!

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com