Gordon Robinson | The devil made them do it

Perennial domino spectator and raconteur Ernest H (‘Haemorrhoid’) Flower often took time out from complaining about “piles and piles” of files on his desk to share a shaggy dog story.

During an intense session featuring Dessie repeatedly reprimanding The Dunce for his bad choices, Haemorrhoid waxed lyrically about Executives making devilish decisions.

“One day while walking down the street, a successful corporate executive was hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived in Heaven and was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself.

‘Welcome’ said St Peter. ‘Before you get settled in, I gotta admit we’ve never once had an executive make it this far. We’re not sure what to do.’

‘Just let me in’ she said.

‘Love to, but I’ve higher orders. I must let you have a day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where you want to spend eternity.’

‘But I prefer Heaven’ said the woman.

‘Sorry, we’ve rules.’ St Peter put the executive in an elevator. It went down-down-down to Hell. She found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course’s putting green. In the distance was a country club and in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives – all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and hugged her. They talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf. That night at the country club, she enjoyed a delicious steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a nice guy (kinda cute), and had a great time talking and dancing. She was so enjoying herself that, before she knew it, her time was up. Everyone waved good-bye as she entered the elevator.

She returned to the Pearly Gates. St Peter was waiting. ‘Now it’s time for your day in Heaven.’ She spent the next day lounging around on clouds; playing the harp; and singing. She had a great time but, before she knew it, her time was up.

St Peter said: ‘Now you must choose.’ She replied, ‘Never thought I’d say this, but I had a better time in Hell.’

So St Peter escorted her to the elevator. She returned to Hell, where she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. Her friends were dressed in rags; picking up the rubbish; and putting it in sacks. The Devil put his arm around her.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammered the woman, ‘yesterday there was a golf course; a country club; lobster; and dancing. Now there’s a wasteland of rubbish and my friends look miserable.’

The Devil smiled. ‘Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.’”

Not only did Haemorrhoid’s tall tale seem eerily like a 1970s Twilight Zone episode, it also came to mind as PM and Finance Minister chided banks for increasing banking fees on their most vulnerable customers. That same Government dismissed Fitz Jackson’s proposed banking fees Bill almost five years ago. Then, Banks were St Peter. Now they’re the Devil.

the whole truth

But NOBODY is telling you the whole truth.

While being recruited, potential voters aren’t told about a fundamental feature of every capitalist economy, namely, if fiscal adversity should come knocking at owners of capital’s doors, the most vulnerable must reimburse them (plus profit). So, when recruiting formerly unbanked customers, ATMs are offered free to discourage customers from in-person banking.

After tricking into preferring ATMs, Banks can pounce by charging ‘new’ fees AND by increasing in-bank transaction fees. The Devil made them do it? Nope. That’s how capitalism works. Before you get all het up, I’m not advocating against capitalism or for socialism. I’m just itemising facts of life.

What will Government do? It’s already handed us the standard dose of bag a mout’. No regulatory or legislative action is likely. In about nine days, it’ll return to finding ways for the ‘new’ Constitutional Affairs Ministry to ensure States of Public Emergency can be called and extended by Government alone.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.