Garth Rattray | Is it really love?

I vividly recall seeing a young woman in the Casualty Department of the University Hospital of the West Indies during the early 1980s. She was suffering from a deep stab wound to her left chest. The X-ray showed that she had air and blood within her chest cavity.

While preparing her for placement of chest tubes in the main operating theatre, I asked her who stabbed her. I expected to hear that she was the victim of a botched robbery or on the losing end of a violent confrontation with a stranger. However, she said that her boyfriend stabbed her in the chest. I became very upset and asked if the police arrested him as yet. She said no. I asked why not, and she explained that she did not report the matter. Surprised, I then asked why not and, with a wide, shy grin, she said, “Him stab mi because him love me.” I was so flabbergasted that I became speechless.

SEVERAL CLASSIFICATIONS

Many people do not know anything about ‘love’. This emotion has been studied, dissected and analysed by thousands of scientific experts, poets, novelists, playwrights, and lyricists. Love is dichotomous, it can be the best experience ever or the worst experience of someone’s lifetime. It appears as if the price of love is eventual pain…pain from romantic disappointment or pain from separation from whatever cause, perhaps from the death of a spouse. Youth adds volatility to ‘love’, and selfishness can make it downright dangerous.

There are several classifications of love. Generally, people refer to some kinds as: Philia – affectionate but platonic love, the kind that has no romantic attraction; it’s the kind of love between friends and family. Pragma – enduring love, it’s the kind of love that lasts for many years and is seen between old married couples who still hold hands. Storge – the instinctive love that parents have for their children. Eros - erotic, physical, sexual, passionate love. Ludus – playful love. Mania – obsessive love, often seen in people with low self-esteem who fear losing the object of their desire. It can be very dangerous. Agape – selfless/unconditional love. It’s the kind of altruistic love that one experiences for the human race.

Then there is infatuation (limerence). It is thought to be a “warm attachment, enthusiasm, obsession with, devotion to an individual”. It is described as “a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something”. Some liken it to the honeymoon phase of a marriage.

Powerful hormones are significantly involved in what we perceive as ‘love’. Dr Helen Fisher (at Rutgers) breaks love down into three categories: (1) lust, (2) attraction, and (3) attachment. I’m not certain what triggers lust. Perhaps it’s a certain appearance/shape, the way that someone moves, the sound of their voice, the way that they speak, a smell, a smile, their eyes, their perfume/cologne; whatever it is, it can be very powerful. Dr Fisher says that lust is driven by the sex hormones (testosterone and oestrogen).

Attraction can also be very powerful and is driven by dopamine and norepinephrine. Attraction leads to a reduction in serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. This is when lovesickness can occur. People may experience sleeplessness, loss of appetite, restlessness, blushing, racing pulse, pounding heart, rapid breathing, dizziness, shakiness, weakness in the knees, obsession, and a strong need for emotional reciprocation. Rational thought becomes very elusive during lovesickness; this makes it potentially very dangerous.

Attachment is accompanied/facilitated by the release of oxytocin. This chemical imbues us with the warm and fuzzy feeling of contentment, security, calmness, and a sense of a deep and binding love. In fact, it is known as the love hormone and is the same hormone associated with childbirth and breastfeeding. It makes couples feel closer to one another after ‘making love’.

LOST TRUE MEANING

On the February 14 every year, people celebrate St Valentine’s Day. Messages of love and gifts are sent to friends and romantically involved partners. Of course, it has become a commercial event, and it has obviously lost some of the true meaning behind it. It stands in stark contrast to the reality of today’s world. We are overrun with selfishness and hate – evidenced by our high rate of stabbings, shootings and blunt trauma (violence) inflicted upon one another. Nowadays, it doesn’t take much for someone to try to kill you. It is important to avoid aggressive people because they are labile and never consider the consequences of their actions, while you will be restrained by your concern for the outcome of a conflict with them.

The way that we drive exudes selfishness, disrespect and hate for other road users. Nowadays, I just pull aside and give the hogs the entire road. Defending your right of way is simply not worth the trouble. Unless the authorities radically change their strategy for dealing with indiscipline on our roads, things will become much more hostile and hazardous.

Love is waning precipitously in all spheres of our existence. My takeaway from the COVID-19 pandemic is that we cannot depend on one another to prevent the suffering and death of the unfortunate among us. Instead of acting as one for the greater good, people become individualistic, selfish, obstreperous, and aggressive. You cannot claim to love a country and yet demonstrably hate its people. If only Bob Marley’s One Love were real.

Garth A. Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and garthrattray@gmail.com.