Kristen Gyles | Child discipline and sparing the rod

Quite the tide of research points to the inefficiency of corporal punishment as a disciplinary tool. Not only that, according to many researchers that spanking and other forms of physical punishment inflicted during childhood are the cause of negative long-term developmental effects. Despite this, even well-educated parents continue to spank their children – not out of anger, frustration or a lack of self-control, but because they genuinely think that is the best way of growing disciplined children.

My theory is that the primary reason for this is the difference they see in the behaviour of children grown under the more traditional, ‘no-nonsense’ model versus the more modern model of gentle parenting. Let’s face the facts – discipline does seem to be waning.

We’ve all seen that one little busy-bodied, fire-tailed kid in the bank or supermarket, running and spinning around haphazardly, picking up things and screaming, almost like they’ve been possessed by a vicious army of Energizer batteries. Somewhere amid the uncontrolled noise and rolling on the floor, you hear a small-voiced woman trying hard to get noticed by the child.

“Josh, Josh, this is the sixth time I’ve called you. I don’t feel like you’re listening to me, Josh. You’re too loud, Josh. Mommy wants you to listen, Josh.” Obviously, little Josh doesn’t care about the boring conversation his mom is trying to have with him. On the other hand, numerous onlookers, parents themselves, look on in disbelief that she could allow her child to create that kind of mayhem in public.

They leave the situation glad they are not her and resolving never to allow their children to grow so wild and untamed. Right away, the idea is reinforced in their minds that this gentle-parenting stuff simply does not work. Chances are, one might even take the liberty of ordering her to give the child two good licks.

Within the context of child development, discipline seeks to teach the child how to differentiate between acceptable, appropriate behaviours and inappropriate ones. Therefore, discipline is largely a matter of behaviour modification. For this reason, discipline should not be equated to punishment, which does not necessarily effect any change in behaviour. Punishment is simply aimed at delivering some superimposed consequence associated with the negative behaviour.

PROBLEMATIC

Punishment, in any form, becomes problematic when it is retaliatory – and in the Jamaican context, that happens often. When parents or teachers lash out at children out of anger or frustration, not only are they not in a position to calculate the extent of their punishment but they also demonstrate to attention-seeking children that acting out will get them attention.

Not all punishment is retaliatory or unmeasured, though. Whether physical or non-physical, many parents do punish their children in measured and calculated ways that are well thought out. It is great when discipline focuses on behaviour modification. However, in principle, there is nothing wrong with punishing a child who insists on engaging in selfish or antisocial behaviours that harm others.

Many children, like adults, do things they know are wrong. They know it is wrong to steal, yet they steal because they want for themselves the items that they steal. Then they lie about stealing what they stole because they don’t want to be held to account for stealing. Before you know it, they are pinning the crime on someone else. In other words, they quickly learn the self-seeking, selfish ways of the corrupt human species.

And what do we do with stealing, lying, scheming adults? We throw them in prison cells. But, God forbid a child face punishment for the same behaviours. The hypocrisy of us.

The point here is that children have working, functional brains, too. They are able in many cases to decipher between actions that hurt others and actions that don’t. Many are simply not taught that they have a responsibility to respect others and to behave in a manner that does not harm other people. Instead, they are shielded by their parents who seem to think that because they are children they are exempt from responsibility.

THIN LINE

So, why do some resist the idea of child punishment so much? There is a thin line between punishment as discipline and punishment as a venting activity.

Last year, when the news broke that four-your-old Nashawn Brown was allegedly beaten to death by his stepfather, the story, as purported, gave us a glimpse of what can happen when troubled, triggered adults try to discipline children. That day, it seems a child was used as a punching bag.

Traditional parents, pastors and teachers love to remind us that if you spare the rod you will spoil the child. Yes. And in some cases, it is the rod that spoils the child – especially when used to break bones and inflict wounds. This usually doesn’t happen deliberately but instead happens when parents become overwhelmed with the frustrations of dealing with an uncontrolled child.

Another thing to note is that while parents may take a no-punishment approach to raising their children, they should not expect schools to adopt that kind of approach. Too often comparisons are made between the tools parents use to discipline and teach their children and the tools teachers use (or don’t use).

Schools should help to prepare students for the real world, where, when you act out of line, there are clear consequences. In the real world, when you break the law, the judge who presides over your court case isn’t going to sit you down for a conversation where you get to explain why you did what you did, how you were feeling and what you should do next time. Children should learn that in the real world actions have consequences and they are responsible for regulating their actions despite what is comfortable for them in any given moment. School does a good job of teaching that.

In the home, and especially at earlier stages in child development, the focus may be less on punitive discipline and more on restoration or rehabilitation. But, again, parents should understand that schools don’t always have the resources to run on those principles. Parents need to take responsibility for sending disciplined students to school, such that teachers don’t suddenly find themselves raising 40 adopted kids in the classroom.

Kristen Gyles is a free-thinking public affairs opinionator. Send feedback to kristengyles@gmail.com.