Michael Abrahams | Why fathers matter to girls

“He is a sperm donor.” “I don’t know him.” “I have never met him.” I don’t know where he is.” “He is dead to me.”

I am tired of hearing these statements from women regarding their fathers. Being a gynaecologist with many years of experience in private practice, I have had countless conversations with women about their lives, including their childhood, and a recurring theme is absent fathers.

Not all fathers are missing in action. Some of my patients, and female friends have had phenomenal fathers or stepfathers who have significantly enhanced their lives. Still, the absent-father issue is a persisting, pernicious malady that does more damage than many realise.

Fathers are important, but for too many of us men, we think that supplying sperm is enough. That once fertilisation takes place, our work is done. We impregnate women the way bees pollinate flowers and then fly away. Some believe that once bills and school fees are paid, that is enough. But being a father, a real father, requires so much more. Physical presence is one thing, but you can be physically there but emotionally absent or unavailable.

We know that boys need their dads. Boys thrive with male affirmation and appropriate role models of the same gender. When these are absent, boys become vulnerable to influence by wayward peers and gang leaders, who reach out to and accept and embrace them.

POSITIVE EFFECT

But girls need their daddies, too. Many years of research have found that the presence of a strong father in a girl’s life has a positive effect on her academic performance and reduces her risk of early commencement of sexual activity and its sequelae, such as teen pregnancy, abortion, and the contraction of sexually transmitted infections.

In my practice, looking after women and older girls, I observe the long-term effects of paternal absenteeism. The dysfunctions resulting from the absence of a father in a girl’s life or the presence of an abusive one can be crippling. Depression, anxiety, abandonment issues, difficulty in maintaining relationships, and repeatedly making bad choices regarding spouses are some of the results.

After being in existence on this planet for over half a century, I have had the privilege of being able to observe women in relationships over several decades. Relationships come and go. We all know that. But now and then, I would see women repeatedly choose men who would leave them traumatised. They would either keep choosing these types over and over again, or stay with one and endure chronic emotional and physical abuse. I used to wonder why on earth this would happen, and would judge them harshly and think they were stupid and undeserving of my empathy. But as I grew older and matured, I began to enquire and listen to their childhood stories. I realised that childhood trauma is a significant contributing factor to adult dysfunction and that this trauma may present in various ways, from sexual abuse to neglect (including maternal absence) to exposure to dysfunction in the home and in the community.

I also found that the absence of a strong father or father figure in a girl’s life sets her up for all manner of ‘crosses’ later in life. A father’s love is the first love from a man that a girl will experience. If that love and the emotional security that comes with it are absent, and she does not witness her mother in a loving and functional union, she may not have a reference point regarding a normal relationship.

In her quest for love, she may unconsciously be drawn to men who share characteristics of her father in order to, in her mind, fix the relationship. Her conscious mind knows that this is not her father, but in her unconscious one, this is her daddy, and she will make the relationship work. Unfortunately, if the man is truly like her father, the relationship will fail, aggravating her pain. Another possibility is searching for a father figure to take the place of her dad, and sometimes these figures who are chosen to fill the void do more harm than good. In some instances, women who grew up without fathers find good men, but abandonment issues induce them to run away from or sabotage worthwhile relationships.

It is bad enough that these relationships are strained. But when children are introduced into these turbulent unions, we see cycles of generational trauma. For example, it is not uncommon for women who have absent fathers to reproduce with men who become absent fathers, too. As mentioned earlier, the absence of a father may distort a woman’s perception of what a normal relationship should be like, causing her to choose poorly, and in doing so, the cycle is perpetuated.

Therefore, it is incumbent on us to raise our sons to be responsible and respectful, and to understand the responsibility of becoming a father. It is a fact that some fathers are so toxic that their absence may be a blessing, but for the most part, absent fathers contribute to way too much societal pain and dysfunction. It is an issue that we have become way too tolerant of.

Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, social commentator and human-rights advocate. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or follow him on Twitter @mikeyabrahams.