Gordon Robinson | Heaven, hell and marriage

For the third consecutive time, The Dunce cut Dessie’s pose.

Dessie reacted by throwing a domino at The Dunce’s head that barely missed as The Dunce, instead of ducking, focused on advising Dessie “If a macca mek it jook yu!” Kissing his teeth in frustration, Dessie announced he was quitting the partnership.

Haemorrhoid, reminded Dessie that The Dunce was his brother.

“So?” replied Dessie “Is not like we did get married inna Church!”

Haemorrhoid, a brilliant raconteur nicknamed from his oft repeated complaint about “piles and piles” of files on his desk, explained to Dessie that marriage was only one type of partnership in which origin wasn’t as important as commitment. Dessie wouldn’t relent and demanded a change of seat. Gene Autry told him to travel under the table.

Haemorrhoid decided to cool down the temperature with one of his famous Shaggy Dog Tales the telling of which resembled a Beatles’ hit song.

“An Atheist dies, goes to Hell, and finds himself in a lush park. His physical body has returned to its prime. He’s greeted by Satan: ‘Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around. You’ll love it here.’

Satan points to a nice house: ‘What do you think of this house?’

The Atheist replies ‘It’s beautiful, I could never afford anything like that in my life.’

Satan gave him a key ring and said ‘It’s yours now. Free utilities, Netflix, Hulu, and there’s a PS5, Nintendo Switch, all your favorite Scorsese films, you name it! I like my residents to be cozy.’

The Atheist thanked Satan who replied ‘You’re welcome. But before you get settled, there’s more. Follow me!’

They walk further. The park radiates wellness with bright sunshine and a nice fragrance in the air. Satan points to a parking garage and says ‘Click the button on your key ring.’ The Atheist clicks it and notices a particular car flashing its lights. He says, ‘Is that a Black Audi?’ Satan replied ‘I heard it’s your dream car, right? I think everyone deserves a reliable way of transport. I don’t want anyone panting to get around in Hell. That Audi is yours.’

After thanking Satan, they continue walking through the park and things still seem amicable. Flowers are blooming; animals playing. Then a beautiful woman rushed up and says ‘What’s up Satan? Heyyyy, aren’t you a handsome looking fellow?’ Satan said, ‘Everyone deserves the partner of their dreams so...’ The woman gives the Atheist her number and says ‘Call me when the tour’s over and we’ll have fun.’

The Atheist is excited but continues walking with Satan.

Then he suddenly sees a fence. He gets a whiff of sulfur coming from the other side of the fence and hears some screaming. He looks through a hole in the fence and notices people getting tortured and impaled in pools of molten lava. The Atheist is horrified ‘What’s going on in there?’

Satan said ‘Oh, those are the Christians. I won’t pretend to understand why, but they seem to prefer it that way’”

Heaven and Hell are states of mind. If you believe you’ll burn in Hell for all eternity because you had an abortion; are of unpopular sexual orientation; were assigned inappropriate gender identification at birth; or, horror of horrors, were married outside a church, that’s what’ll happen. After we die all of us will be able to say to those left behind “I told you so” because the God residing within each of us will ensure we get what we believe we deserve.

Regarding wedding ceremonies vis a vis marriages, I claim the right to speak authoritatively. On the Twoth of March, 1982, I married a young Ball and Chain in a civil ceremony before a Certified Marriage Officer and two witnesses required by law. We’ve been permanently affixed ever since hence my dragging of one ankle which people pretend they don’t notice out of a desire not to embarrass me.

The marriage is blessed and has produced three amazing boys in Skullhead III; the Ampersand and Sputnik. Thanks to Old BC all are useful contributors to society despite making their father feel like Rodney Dangerfield every Sunday by regularly beating him at the family scrabble game. I knew almost 45 years ago when I took Young BC from her mother that she was my life’s purpose. I didn’t need a Pastor’s advice.

After 41 years in the marriage business I believe I can confidently assert big weddings are nice but big marriages are nicer.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.