Carolyn Cooper | Searching for six-inch bathroom tiles

I know we had to go metric. It’s the way of the world. The antiquated British imperial system of measurement has declined. Just like the British Empire! Inches, feet, yards and miles; cups, pints, quarts and gallons; ounces, pounds and tons have all become outdated. It’s now metres, litres and grams.

Unlike the peculiar imperial system, the metric version is, admittedly, logical. In theory, calculating distance, length, volume, weight and temperature in units of 10 is relatively easy. But, in practice, those of us raised on the old-fashioned British measurements find it very hard to feel emotionally connected to decimal units. Even after decades of trying!

The Third World Band’s classic line, “Ninety-six degrees in the shade,” does not sound quite so scorching in Celsius: 35.5 degrees. By contrast, a man whose erect penis extends to full length at six inches will, most likely, fancy himself as so much more potent in metric: all of 15.24 centimetres. Feeling hot, hot, hot, even if it’s just an illusion.

HIT THE JACKPOT

I recently called a major plumbing company to ask if they had six-inch white bathroom tiles. I needed to replace some that had fallen off a relatively small area of wall. I did not want to have to redo the entire bathroom with metric tiles. Or try to figure out how to do a patchwork job that wouldn’t look too tacky. I was told that they did have the tiles. I was so relieved.

I had gone to several stores all over town and none of them had the right size tile – even though I was repeatedly assured over the phone that they did. I always made it absolutely clear that I did not want the slightly smaller metric tiles that are now being sold as six-inch. It did not matter. It was the same story over and over. Wrong tile!

Because this was a large establishment, I thought I had hit the jackpot. Still sceptical, I asked how come they had the tiles when no other supplier seemed to. I was told that they had bought a large stock a long time ago and these were left over. Thank God fa Jesus! My search was over. As soon as I could, I went to the store, paid for the tiles and went to the delivery area to collect them.

WASTED TIME

You can just imagine how vexed I was to see that the box of tiles I was being given was marked in centimetres. These were exactly the tiles I did not want. Fortunately, I had taken an actual six-inch tile to make sure I got the right size. It was obvious that the tiles I had bought were not, in fact, six-inch. I got a refund without any trouble.

But what bothered me is that nobody in management was the least bit apologetic about the fact that I had been misinformed and I had wasted my time coming all the way across town for nothing. I was just told repeatedly that those were the tiles that are now being sold as six-inch! That was certainly not what I wanted to hear.

One company actually advertises tiles on its website in this way: “15cm x 15cm or 6x6 inches.” What, precisely, does “or” mean here? The two measurements are most definitely not the same. It’s either one or the other. Not both! Why do tile retailers persist in pretending that metric measurements are identical with imperial? It’s so frustrating.

Last Friday, I called the Bureau of Standards to find out if it was legal to pass off 15cm tiles for 6 inch. I was sent to Testing and Industrial Services and then to the National Compliance and Regulatory Authority. From there, I was referred to the Consumer Affairs Commission. Believe it or not, they sent me right back to the Bureau of Standards. At that point, I gave up.

IRONIES OF HISTORY

It would be so easy for an enterprising supplier to stock basic six-inch white bathroom tiles. They are readily available in the US, which has stubbornly refused to go metric. According to the Britannica Encyclopaedia website , “The biggest reasons the U.S. hasn’t adopted the metric system are simply time and money .... Whenever the discussion of switching unit systems arose in Congress, the passage of a bill favoring the metric system was thwarted by big businesses and American citizens who didn’t want to go through the time-consuming and expensive hassle of changing the country’s entire infrastructure.”

Furthermore, “Many also believed that the United States should keep its particular system, setting it apart from other countries and symbolizing its status as a leader rather than a follower.” After fighting a war of Independence from Britain, the Americans have kept imperial measurements as a status symbol. This remarkable decision supposedly proves that the country is a global leader, not a follower. The ironies of history!

I could ask my sister, Donnette, who lives in the US to lugo-lugo with a few tiles for me on her next visit. But I know I’m not the only one who needs actual six-inch white bathroom tiles. I recently asked a contractor if he knew where I could find some. He said he had gotten a few in Mandeville, but not even enough for his job. So he couldn’t help me out. If anyone knows where these tiles are available anywhere in the country, please email me at the address below. I need only about 24. Fortunately, numbers aren’t calculated in imperial or metric units.

- Carolyn Cooper, PhD, is a teacher of English language and literature and a specialist on culture and development. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and karokupa@gmail.com