Michael Abrahams | Alice in wonderland

When I was a child, one of my favourite stories was Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, aka ‘ Alice in Wonderland’. In the story, an 1865 English children’s novel by Lewis Carroll, a young girl named Alice falls through a rabbit hole into a fantasy world of anthropomorphic creatures.

Last week I learnt about another Alice living in a fantasy world. A world in which it is okay to wipe your bottom while serving customers food. There I was, minding my own business, when someone asked me if I saw the video of the woman wiping her nether regions at Heroes Circle. I told them I had not and was not interested in seeing it, either. After all, what would be the point? What would I have to gain from viewing such ghastly footage? However, I was soon surrounded by people commenting on the video, and, against my better judgement, decided to see it. Unfortunately, now I can’t unsee it.

In the viral video, I saw someone placing people at risk of contracting bacterial infections. It showed a woman, whose name I later learnt is Alice, standing behind a counter at Crab Circle at Heroes Circle. The venue is a popular spot for people to purchase crab, corn, soup and other items for consumption. But something didn’t look quite right about Alice’s attire and deportment. She was wearing a shirt or blouse, so looking at her from in front, as she stood behind the counter, one would not suspect that something was amiss. But the shot taken by the cinematographer, from behind, showed that Alice’s panty was way down her thighs, just above her knees, leaving her buttocks exposed. That was disturbing enough, but what happened next, as Jamaicans would say, “beat all cockfight.” Alice took a piece of tissue and wiped her bottom, not the cheeks, the in-between part, and gently dropped the tissue behind her, then placed her left hand in front of her and continued what she was doing as if it was just another day at the office.

PEOPLE’S TONGUES

As the video went viral, the story on people’s tongue was the thought of Alice’s crabs on, well, people’s tongues. I mean, I have heard of surf and turf, but this was surf and turd. A gastronomic disaster of no mean order. My Seventh day Adventist friends can be marked as safe during this crisis, as they avoid shellfish and other scavengers. But Heroes Circle crab aficionados must be traumatised and in need of therapy.

You would think Alice would be ashamed to be exposed like this. Right? Wrong! It turns out that Alice’s shame tree has withered or was never planted in the first place. She has given radio and television interviews, and seems to wonder what the fuss is all about. According to Alice, on the day in question, her stomach was hurting her and gas “tek mi up”. So, she bought a hot beer and drank it with some salt, but started to “spill”. Alice’s main issue, however, was with the “mawga one” who recorded her, another vendor named Nadine. When the journalist asked her if she understood why people would be disgusted by what they saw, Alice responded, “Yes, ‘cause she nuh have nuh right fi dweet bredda”, absolutely missing the point, claiming that this is the first time she has ever done this. Her narrative was devoid of remorse or contrition, claiming that people had reached out to her showing empathy, telling her, “Yuh always sit on yuh throne.” (I swear I’m not making this up.)

But the videographer, Nadine, tells a different story. She claims that this is a habit with Alice, and in an interview, showed two videos, taken on two different occasions, of Alice doing the same nasty stuff. Nadine claims she had complained about the practice, but that her pleas fell on deaf ears, so the video was recorded out of frustration.

Like Alice in the children’s book, this one, too, goes down a rabbit hole, in which she doubles down, positing that her actions are excusable and justifiable, but that the real villain is the woman who took the video and, in effect, became a whistle-blower. However, unlike Alice in the children’s book, who is an innocent, relatively normal child, this Alice appears to be an amalgam of several characters in the book, such as the (Mad) Hatter, the March Hare and the Cheshire Cat, all weirdos with questionable cerebral neuronal circuitry.

Yes, ‘mi a tek serious ting mek joke’, but the inconvenient truth is that Jamaica is chock-full of Alices, people who break rules with impunity and see nothing wrong with it. We duck under barriers, bore in lines, ignore road traffic rules, and commit other offences without thinking twice about how our actions can affect others.

Wiping faeces while handling food is an egregious act of nastiness, and unsuspecting patrons are at risk for gastrointestinal infections, which can be severe. There is no excuse for it. As for Nadine, the woman who shot the video, and is now allegedly receiving death threats, I stand with her. This exposure of this purveyor of perversely prepared crustaceans warranted exposure. I hope Crab Circle reopens and the interruption of the vendors’ livelihood is short-lived, but I also hope the relevant authorities put proper sanitary conveniences in place and establish guidelines regarding the handling of food at the location.

In my last article, ‘I am staying with Barita’, published in The Gleaner on Tuesday, August 15, I declared that I invest with Barita and that I am acquainted with both Barita’s founder Rita Humpries-Lewin and Cornerstone’s founder Paul Simpson. At that time, I should have also declared that my wife is a communications consultant contracted to the Cornerstone Group, which now owns Barita. I apologise for the omission.

Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, social commentator and human-rights advocate. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or follow him on X @mikeyabrahams.