Basil Jarrett | The changing faces of marriage

Since the start of the year, I have written lengthily about the troubling, socio-economic implications of our declining birth rate. I’ve also examined the state of our relationships, specifically marriage, while taking a hard look at the role it plays in our birth rate conundrum.

In my May 9 column, I examined relationship dynamics and the reasons many women are foregoing kids. I addressed our rising divorce and falling marriage rates, and looked at complaints by bright, ambitious, unmarried women about the quality of their male counterparts. I also questioned the relevance of marriage today, where women no longer rely as heavily on men for financial support, and ended by asking what are the alternatives to our current concept of marriage, given its high failure rate.

Now, I was once taught to never ask a question that I don’t know the answer to, and so I went digging. I spoke to everyone. Married men, married women, single men, single women, divorced men, divorced women. Anyone who’s ever considered taking this death-defying plunge into this singular social construct with the single highest failure rate.

PERSISTING WITH MARRIAGE

I found that psychologist Leahcim Semaj, in his 1982 article, ‘Polygamy Reconsidered: Causes and Consequences of Declining Sex Ratio in African-American Society’, argued that “the black family is under assault, and among the factors contributing to this situation is a declining sex ratio which has made it necessary to evaluate alternative family lifestyles, since it is not possible for every black woman to enter into a monogamous relationship with a black man”. This situation, he added, worsens as her educational and income levels improve. Again, that was 42 years ago. Imagine now.

Then there’s American author Shahrazad Ali, who wrote in 1989 that “monogamy has never worked for the black man, yet we continue to shoehorn our lives into this tight space”.

So why do we persist? For answers, I went digging outside of Jamaica, just to see what others were experiencing.

THE OPTIONS

Some of what I found was culturally objectionable. Others, a bit too ‘out there’. Yet some were so simple and practical that I wondered, “Wow, why didn’t I think of that?” Needless to say, any topic that involves men, women and relationships is enough to fill pages and pages of newspaper broadsheets, so it was quite a task consolidating what I believe are the most common answers to my May 9 question.

The first, and almost instinctive response to an alternative to traditional marriage is polygamy or polyamory, whichever flavour you prefer. Yes, that age-old arrangement that’s sort of like poached eggs – it looks tasty on the menu but after a few bites, you quickly discover that you don’t have the appetite for it. In the beginning, one got married ‘til death do us part’. That has since evolved to ‘til the death of the relationship, do us part’, as we no longer practise monogamy but, rather, serial polygamy.

The antecedents of monogamous marriage among black folks go way back to when Europeans first met us in Africa and perhaps grew jealous of our many wives – though why anyone would be jealous of someone who has several mothers-in-lawsis beyond me. Not to mention, seven wives means seven birthday dinners, seven Christmas and Valentine’s Day gifts, and seven hours of listening to what Sheryl from payroll did today. Yup, polygamy looks delicious from afar, but the proof is in the pudding – all seven slices.

GO EAST, YOUNG MAN

Perhaps, for a more sedate alternative to traditional marriage, we need to look to the East –literally. In Japan, friendship marriages have been on the rise, as that country seeks to address its own low birth rate issues. As the name suggests, a friendship marriage is a union between two friends who are legally married to each other and might even have children together. I say ‘might’ because in friendship marriages, intimacy, romance and physical contact are optional, with the main focus of the marriage being to share interests, finances and companionship. Imagine that – being friends with someone you’re married to. Talk about a crazy idea.

About 1,000 friendship marriages have taken place in Japan since 2015 as couples emphasise economics, compatibility and long-term companionship over intimacy and the whole til-death-do-us-part bit. Think of it as being ‘more than friends, but less than lovers’.

FOR THE KIDS

Which brings me to another arrangement that is also gaining popularity – the parenting marriage. Here, the marriage has lost its flavour and both persons no longer have a romantic connection or interest in each other. But they stay married to raise their children. Now, spoiler alert – if you’ve ever cursed under your breath that, “If it wasn’t for the kids, I’d leave his/her trifling behind,” chances are, you’re in a parenting marriage. It’s a couple’s way of saying, it’s okay to stay for the kids, and honestly, I admire this. Essentially, both partners get along and co-exist as friends, housemates and co-parents, but never discuss intimacy or romance. It’s a pragmatic approach to raising children and can be more humane than a nasty, bitter divorce.

Finally, there’s the wild, wild West of the open marriage. I have no idea how this one works and I’ve never seen it in its natural habitat. An open marriage, as the name suggests, is exactly that – open to anyone, I guess. But out of fear of being chased out of town by a mob of angry wives for putting fanciful ideas in their husbands’ heads, I’m going to leave this one alone. I’m out of space anyway.

Folks, in no way am I advocating a departure from traditional marriage as a cornerstone of a healthy society. But times, they are a changing, as are the rules that used to govern what a healthy marriage and family looks like. And in a situation where you are 60 per cent more likely to fail than to succeed, perhaps it is time that we begin to have open, honest, useful dialogue with ourselves and our partners. But do we dare?

Major Basil Jarrett is a communications strategist and CEO of Artemis Consulting. Follow him on X, formerly Twitter, Instagram, Threads @IamBasilJarrett and linkedin.com/in/basiljarrett. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.