Tony Deyal | Suite for days

My column today is dedicated to four doctors. The first is a young man, Dr Adam Wildman, who helped me when I was more cut up than a ‘Julienne salad’. However, since I never had one, I will go for a “pooyah” or cutlass, what we used to call a “cot lash”.

Adam made sure I did not end up in a hospital bed. The second is Dr David Bratt. He deals with youngsters but shares “old talk” with me. When I asked for advice, he immediately responded: “You need to see a dermatologist!” This is how the third doctor, Dr Marilyn Suite, ended up waiting in the wings. The fourth doctor, my cricket friend Dr Patrick Seepaul, told me to “give it time” because “being older, it takes a bit longer to heal.” He also made it clear that I should not use anything alcohol-based. Not being a drinker anymore, I let him know, “I don’t have alcohol, but I have the occasional wine!” I did not add, “Wine, wine, wine. Wine like a ball of twine.” I did not mention what I read this morning “Doctors say it’s fine to ‘pee’ in the shower”. Instead I promised Dr Bratt that if I ended up in Dr Suite’s office, I would not say anything like, “How Suite though art” unless I am better.

At this point, Dr Bratt told me, “Listen, you could build a good article on the old talk.” This is why I promised that this week, I would go after doctors. Just to take them off-guard, I am starting with something one of my colleagues, a “Dr.” but not a Doctor like the Bratt, who worked with the Pan American Health Organization (PAHO) when I was there. He is Dr Fred Nunes, former head of the Department of Management Studies at the University of Management Studies in Jamaica. Dr Fred was at a meeting where a doctor/administrator was boasting about his foresight as a manager. He was inordinately proud that he had participated in a two-week intensive course in management and had become an expert. Fred, who was a former senior management specialist at the World Bank and who spent most of his life teaching management, bided his time and then asked very politely: “Sir, I have always wanted to be a doctor. Do you know of any two-week intensive course that I can take to make me one?”

OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Seeing that I don’t have two weeks, I will share some ‘oldies but goodies’ in honour of my doctor friends. The first is about the doctor who told his patient, “I have some bad news and some very bad news for you.” The poor man asked, “Doc, you might as well give me the bad news first.” The doc said:“The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live!” The poor patient responded in shock: “Twenty-four hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse than that? What is the very bad news that you’re holding on to?” “Well,” the doctor told him quietly, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.” At least it was not like the doctor who, when asked by the patient to give him the “Good News” first, replied: “You and your family should be very proud. We’re naming a disease after you!” This is unlike the man who complained, “Doctor, my bottom hurts right around the entrance.” The doctor pointed out: “That’s the exit. As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt!”

Wives can feel hurt but not in the same way. A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.” Younger women are different. One of my favourites is about Miss Smith from college. Her biology teach asked her, ““Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.” Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, “Dr Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. You should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.” “Correct,” said Dr Parker. “And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

HIRE NEW NURSE

This is another. Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go. “Why? We just hired her.” “Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets thing backward. I told her to give Mr Smith two shots of morphine every 24 hours, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours, and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs Jones an enema every twelve hours, and she gave her twelve in one hour.” The doctor had barely finished his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” the doctor asked. “To see Nurse Nancy. I just instructed her to prick Mr Hill’s boil!”

Given the politics in the US and all the national elections coming up in the Caribbean, this is the most appropriate ending. Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients are to operate on. The first surgeon said, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside them are numbered.” The second responded: “You should try electricians! Everything inside them are colour coded.” The third surgeon said: “I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them are in alphabetical order.” The fourth surgeon chimed in, “You know, I like construction workers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over in the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.” But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

Tony Deyal could not help himself from sharing this one. My hot female doctor said I was sweet. Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.