Tony Deyal | MoBay Dick and great white whale

Over the years, the term ‘head’ has moved beyond the indispensable appendage containing the brain to its contents and even to its disposition. At the same time, Hydra-like, other applications of the word have popped up organically, transplanted so to speak, as part of the oral tradition.

From the simple headache for which the remedy was Phensic, we moved to terms like “badden the head” (alcohol abuse) and “building a head” (drug abuse). What I discovered was that “getting a head” and “getting ahead” were not simultaneously or synchronous activities. Sometimes, sticking to the conventional “head”, I tell my children the joke about the little boy who was mercilessly teased about the size of his head. He went home complaining to his mother about how the kids were teasing him.

His very sympathetic mother reassured him that his head wasn’t that big and, in fact, was quite small, really. She then asked him to go to the store to buy ten pounds of potatoes, five pounds of rice, two pounds of sugar, and two pounds of flour. The little boy then asked her for a bag to put all the groceries in. She replied, “Bag? Don’t bother about that. Use your cap.”

Of course, the Americans moved ahead and virtually reinvented the term. The first time I heard this clever but adult pun on the Johnny Carson show many years ago, I was astonished and then cracked up. One of Carson ’s guests was talking about a really posh restaurant. “They have a waiter for everything,” he boasted. “First the water waiter came and gave me some water. Then the butter waiter came and gave me some butter. Then the Head Waiter came …”

NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

In Barbados, the term “head” is used in newspaper headlines to denote the person in charge of an organisation. It is not unusual to see “BUT HEAD SPEAKS” or “BAMC HEAD AT TALKS”. In Trinidad, where the word “bam-see” as in the Calypso by Lord Funny is funny because the term is used to mean the human rear-end or butt, a headline like that would be provocative and an acronym like that even more so, unthinkable, in fact. It is one of those differences in how we use language in the Caribbean that helps to relieve the tedium of travel and LIAT (Long Intervals Awaiting Transport).

As my flight headed into the Sangster Airport in Montego Bay , familiarly called MoBay, my thoughts went to Captain Ahab and his fanatical pursuit of the white whale Moby Dick. Could he or his obsession be described as a Moby Dick “had”? Could Melville’s masterwork be an allegory for tourism? I wondered whether in Montego Bay, the north coast tourist Mecca, there was such a phenomenon as a MoBay Dick head?

It did not take long before my questions were answered. As an “official” of the Caribbean Community, I am provided with a green-bound “laissez passer” which asks officials of all sorts in the region to make life easier for me on my travels. This particular official was out of sorts. He looked curiously at the CARICOM document and then demanded my national passport. I mentioned to him in passing (my Trinidad passport over) that no other immigration officer in any other country in the region had ever done that. He was not impressed. I pointed out to him that if we as Caribbean people don’t respect our own institutions, we might even end up in them like Basdeo Panday.

I looked at the non-Caribbean people passing through without let, hindrance, and even passports. No response except the eventual plak-plakking and boof-boofing of the immigration stamp. In the meantime, during the long, silent wait, I thought about a stamp of my own that read, “Stamp out immigration”, but that won’t happen. When we have our CARICOM passports, it will just be more stamping to do rather than less. I have always felt that the stamp of authority, wielded with such gusto by our immigration officials, is a powerful Afro- and Cari-disiac, giving them a very special high.

GIVEN A CHOICE

At the hotel, I was given a choice of a “Jamaican” breakfast complete with calalloo, saltfish, boiled yam and bananas, a strip of fried plantain, a dumpling and a Johnny Cake or an “American” breakfast of ham, eggs, bacon, toast, etc. I never got beyond that point since I inevitably settled for the “Jamaican”. However, one day, having enough of fried bakes and oily food, I asked the waiter if I could get some toast with my Jamaican breakfast. He was quite firm.

The Jamaican breakfast did not come with toast, only the American. If I wanted the toast I had to order the American. MoBay Dick Head too or two. Three came on my departure. I ordered a taxi to the airport for 4:45 a.m. and arrived at reception to see a taxi ,but it was loading the luggage of a foreign couple. When I asked about my taxi, I was told that I had to wait until the same taxi came back from the airport for me. What actually happened, according to the taxi driver, was that he came on time for me but the desk clerk at the hotel ordered him to take the foreign guests first and then come back for me although I was standing there waiting while all this was going on.

I should be angry, but I am not. You don’t have to be in MoBay to experience a MoBay Dick head. It is part of a painful process that is familiar to all of us who travel the Caribbean . It is called “growing up”. It is the only way we could get ahead instead of merely getting a head.

Tony Deyal was last seen talking about the man who complained to his travel agent that every year he went to Montego Bay, his wife got pregnant. “This year,” he said, “I’m taking her with me.” Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com