Tony Deyal | Hair we go again folks

As I “head” into my 80th birthday next Saturday, I thought about a few matters that used to matter. I can live without sex, but not without my glasses. If any of you, my friends and readers want to try that three-letter word, all of you will catch yours without the “gl…”

What you call that? Classtrophobia. Most of my friends, although they hide it from the rest of us, know that they and their teeth don’t sleep together. Sometimes, the wives also. One man’s wife told him, “Listen, If you keep losing your hair at this speed I will divorce you.”

The husband replied, “Oh my God! And I was stupid enough trying to save them!” The one that most men, like me, eventually reach is when our eyes are hairier than our heads. This is when the jokes come at us with “Hair you go”, and when we respond we get, “I hair you loud and clear.”

But, what comes loud and clear for everybody to hear are the jokes at our expense like, “Why did the comb quit its job?” It was tired of getting pushed around by hair loss! And it is not just lost and found, but what happens to you when the police, thieves and even the army come after you where people end up losing their arms, legs and minds but, fortunately not mine.

In my case, my barber not just told people he was charging me half price, but he told the others waiting for their hairs to be trimmed, “All you see? His head going back so fast, it’s like a reverse waterfall!” He also joked, “Where you want me to cut? Your head or the sides?” Then my cousin, a Doctor who is older than me, but has much more hair than I have, joked, “I heard you telling people you’re losing your hair, but really, you shouldn’t worry. It’s just going to a better place.” To which I replied, “I don’t tell people anything about my hair. I’m not bold. I’m just taller than my hair. That’s all!”

I suppose that is so I can take my wife, Indranie, to buy food for the week ahead, not just for us but also for the birds and friends (not just ours, but theirs as well). It is there that as the driver, carrier, lifter, water and, worst of all, waiter, that I spend a few minutes with two of my friends, Ephrain Marchan and his wife Michelle.

While Ephrain is the workman of all their sales and products, home and on the road, the person in charge, not just in the market, but beyond, is Michelle. She and her products are 100 per cent local organic coffee and cocoa. He hair is brilliant and shiny, not to say plenty!

However, her husband and I, among the many skills and jokes we have is what we don’t have. Hair! Like bald older men, our favourite song, especially when the rains go and the sun brings people to buy, while we don’t say like the “Toupee” company, “It’s a growing market”, for us it is “Hair comes the sun” and he adds, looking at his wife, “Little darling.”

Actually, that would have done a lot for some of the men I knew, even writers and reporters, especially what they were going through with their lack of headlines. I had met some of them in Canada when I entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’. At that time I was laughed at and only much later I found out that it’s not rare to be bald. In fact, it’s quite common, especially among men. According to Health Direct, 1 in 5 men in their 20s, and nearly 1 in every 2 men in their 40s goes bald.

In my case, I have been told that my hair is like a politician. It’s always making promises I can’t keep. Another is that “As Tony going to 80 next week so that his hair is like a retirement plan. He’s hoping to hold on to what he has left for as long as possible.” At one time I didn’t like my haircut at all. But it was growing on me until I got hair loss and it reach here gone forever.

Despite this even though I lost my hair years ago, I still carry a comb wherever I go because I can’t part with it. And for those people who used to tell me about my getting ‘grey hair’ before everybody else, I used to tell them that I got it from my wife and children. In fact, there are two types of hair, public hair and pubic hair. But that’s one L of a difference. In fact, it’s great to have grey hair. As me and anyone else who’s bald.

Actually I always made jokes at those who tried to make me look bad. I told one when we were in a group that was laughing at me, “If you think I am bad, what you need to know is how bald man Pommy runs his fingers through his hair, He cuts holes in his pockets!”

But men are not the only ones who get some tough jokes. Women have to put up with husbands and their sense of what they think is humour. One boasted, “My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair.” He told her that he had noticed the problem but had not wanted to say anything.

She asked, “So where did you notice it?” He replied, “Wel.l your moustache seemed to be thinner.” Despite men like that, there are women who still say positive things about bald men. Dolly Parton, the American singer, made me feel that she could sing me to sleep whenever she wanted when she said, “I love bald men. Just because you’ve lost your fuzz, it doesn’t mean you ain’t a peach.” And just to show you how men behave, Evan Esar, a US joker, recommended, “Don’t tear your hair out over a woman; it’ll be harder to attract the next one if you’re bald.”

So, do women like bald men? A researcher said its clear that the older women get, the more attractive they find a shaved head. By the way my male readers, don’t let your wife know hat. Women were also asked to share their thoughts on hair loss treatments and they told us to do what ever makes us feel great about our physical appearance. And if you’re still getting jokes at your expense, and men are treated badly by other men because of their lack of hair, do what some fight back by saying, “Well my hair could grow back. But will you every grow up?” or “I might be bald but still I’m better than you.” There is also, “Well, I did it because you mother preferred it when we were together,” One actually told a colleague who laughed about his lack of hair when they were in the changing rooms, “Stop washing your hair with shampoo! Insist on REAL poo.”

If Satan ever loses his hair…there will be hell toupee. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com