Blended families are real families

Parenting in a blended family comes with its unique challenges and simply put, can be quite stressful.

Mothers and fathers who are trusted with the responsibility of nurturing children that aren’t biologically theirs and negotiating what may sometimes seem like foreign territories may also admit that it is quite the task. Those who have had to endure the teething pains of bringing two families together under one roof often testify of the challenges posed and the intentional effort it takes to succeed. As Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts neared seven years of marriage to her second husband, Touré, she shared some lessons she had to learn about blending a family. The first, she noted, is that putting your marriage first is not a betrayal to the children you bring into the marriage.

Though admitting that this point even felt awkward to mention, Jakes-Roberts continued: “When you choose a partner, you’re choosing who you want to build with for the rest of your life. Your marriage is the environment your children will be raised in.”

Sarah and Touré proudly parent six children, four of whom are fruits of the couple’s previous relationships.

Sharing another lesson learnt from her experience of blending a family, she said: “It’s okay for your partner to parent their children. When you first get married, you can’t force the whole family thing. At the end of the day you’re a bunch of strangers living together. Your partner knows their child better than you. If you have a perspective, take it to their parent until you’ve built enough rapport and trust to go the child directly.”

PRAY FOR WISDOM

The self-help author noted that identifying an issue does not mean there is a need to address it immediately. Instead, according to Jakes-Roberts, one should pray prior to offering a perspective that could be received as criticism, indicating that the Holy Spirit will provide the wisdom needed in such situations.

“You don’t have to figure out where you fit. My bonus children have a mother and a father. I felt like my husband organically fit in my children’s lives because of the vacancy. Whereas I was just floating with no clear role. Turns out that floating is my jam. I get to be friend, madre, teacher, stylist, chef, therapist, workout buddy, side eye partner, and so many other things,” Jakes-Roberts said as she shared another point.

Important to note, according to the motivational speaker, is that a partner does not replace the absentee parents in a child’s life.

“That void will still be there, [and] only God, time, and therapy can fix that. You don’t fix their broken hearts by offering them a new toy. Don’t put that pressure on your partner or your child. Honour the void, but also help them to see the many ways God still provides even if it’s not from our desired source,” she shared.

Jakes-Roberts, who is popularly known for a transparent ministry built around her role as wife and mother and which is shared via social media, admitted that it took her years to “not feel awkward around [her] bonus babies”.

“I tried the whole avoiding in the kitchen, no eye contact, and mind your business thing. It didn’t work. So I leaned in. The same way you got to know your partner, get to know them,” she shared, adding that this can be done by asking simple questions such as ‘What are you watching on TV?’, ‘How was school?’ and “What kind of music are you listening to?’

As part of her seventh and final point, Jakes-Roberts noted that undiluted synergy within blended families requires patience on the part of each member.

“Blended families are real families. They’re full of love, fun, confusion, hopes, and joy. Be patient as your family takes form. It doesn’t happen overnight, and sometimes it feels like it’s not happening at all. Then there are days when you realize your family, not Disney, is the happiest place on Earth,” she concluded.