Self-centred discipline

The Scriptures tell us that “no discipline is enjoyable while it is happening – it’s painful.” Hebrews 12:11 (NLT). Discipline is the act of getting a child to correct his/her actions. It is not pleasant, it is painful. It’s having the child go against what they want to do naturally and bending the tree to go where you want it to go. Discipline, however, is for the child’s benefit, not the adults.

Often, when we discipline, it’s about us. We must take the attention off ourselves and our needs. Too often, as parents we are focused on our own emotions, schedule, world, and priorities. It becomes that much harder to respond as God would want us to, because we are so focused on ourselves. This self-centredness may be based on our need to be in a hurry and to get things done according to our timetable. It doesn’t take into account our children’s physical or other limitations. Sometimes, because we have a reputation or identity to protect, we parent and discipline our children out of that desire to maintain that reputation or false identity. In the process, we forget that our children’s identity is still being shaped.

For some parents, it’s ‘death before dishonour’. No latitude is given for the child to fail in a way that does not cause them shame in their community or around others. If the child goes wrong, the discipline is swift, thoughtless and harsh. This communicates ‘don’t ever go there again’ but offers very little training about what was wrong and how to do it right. That discipline is more about the parent than the child.

Godly discipline is different. It is for the child’s good. The Bible says, “But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness.” Hebrews 12:10 (NIV).

Since discipline is about the child and their good, not the parent and their anger, we should stop and think, ‘what good will the child get out of this?’ Check whether the discipline in the situation helps the child to grow in holiness. Discipline should motivate children to “… share in his holiness”.

Reprimanding a child in anger or rage is not for the child’s good; it only satisfies our frustration. It won’t lead the child to share in God’s holiness. In fact, it more likely will drive the child away from his Heavenly Father. Oftentimes, growing up in a harsh environment drives children away from going to church. Harsh discipline does not produce holiness, and can leave children bruised and wounded.

Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame (verbal abuse) has also been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline can lead to more misbehaviour. Research shows that this kind of discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may even lead to depression in teens.

For parents who overcompensate and don’t apply any form of discipline, often their children become ‘wishy-washy’ and lack resilience. They can’t take much because they had parents who failed to discipline, teach, and train them.

Short-term parental discipline should prepare children for a God-ordered life in adulthood. Godly discipline from parents sets the tone for children to submit to God’s long-term discipline throughout their life. We should parent in such a way that we gradually release our children from our control to God’s control. This will lead to a godly and self-controlled life. Out of godly discipline, “... there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way” (Hebrews 12:11) and the creation of a disciplined life that produces strength and resilience for the long haul.