Praising single mothers

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Being a mother isn't simply a matter of having children, to think that is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician ...

- Sidney Harris

According to 15-year-old Shari, "My mother is the best mother, as she alone takes care of all three of us since dad left us five years ago, she manages her 'little' money well and gives us all we want to be happy and succeed in school, she has taught us what family is all about."

Shari's sentiment highlights the feelings of several persons who would like to pay a special tribute to their mothers today, Mothers' Day, to thank them for all the sacrifices they made to raise them as single parents.

For 22-year-old Zoe, "what I have become today, I owe to my mother who also fathered me. As a banker, I learnt all the principles of decency and honesty and I am so happy to call her Mom and make her happy. Today, I will give her the best treat you can find and this is only one way of expressing my affection for her.

Outlook asked Zoe if he thinks his life would be better were he raised by both mother and father. He quipped, "it could not be any better and I would not want to be in the position of some of my friends who had both parents. They have bombed out."

We have been socialised to believe that mother and father are always the best team to raise happy and healthy children. However, it is wrong to believe that children who are raised by both parents get twice the love, attention and resources than children raised by one parent.

Step-parents

Two is not a magical number in raising children, especially when the children are living with dreadful step-parents or adoptive parents. Research has shown that there are very little differences in relationships with siblings and friends for children raised by a single parent compared to those raised by both. What is detrimental to a sound upbringing is the amount of conflict within families - constant disagreements between mother and father as well as arguments between parents and children.

Children of single-parent households often do far better than children of married parents. Most single parents are friendlier to their children and spend more time with them compared to married couples. In her book, Singled Out, Bella DePaulo posits that it is a fantasy to believe that all children living in nuclear families have two totally engaged parents who lavish all their love and affection on all their children in a home that is free from anger and conflict. On the contrary, many children of single parents have the stability and security of a loving parent and a supportive network of extended family and friends.

Undoubtedly, some single parents have to make grave sacrifices in giving love and care to their children.

Anthonyrecalls the sacrifices his mother made on a helper's meagre salary and continuous abuse from his father (who lived apart). "she used to walk home from work to save the bus fare so I could go to school. There were many nights when it was tin mackerel and flour dumplings. I felt good when I had all my books at school and some of my classmates from a home with both parents working did not."

Mothers speak

Single parents express their dedication to the education and proper training of their children:

Andrea, who is a teacher says, "my two boys are the apple of my eye and I have to give them the very best, even when the father gives me very little."

Mavis, an informal commercial trader: "my mother was a single parent and she did what she could for all 10 of us. I want better for my children (three), which is why I choose to work so hard travelling to and from Curaçao to buy goods to sell."

Dorothy, insurance executive: "I planned to be a single parent as I wanted a better environment for my children (one boy and a girl), unlike the unpleasant mother/father union in which I grew."

Mother's Day is another opportunity to salute all single mothers to thank them for their

Modesty

Openness

Tolerance

Health

Enthusiasm

Resilience

Most of the beautiful things in life

Come by twos, threes, by dozens

and hundreds

Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows

Brothers and sisters, aunts and cousins

But you've only one mother in the

whole world.

- Kate Douglas

names changed for privacy

Send feedback/questions to Heather Little-White at heatherl@cwjamaica.com.