DOCTOR'S ADVICE: I am a lesbian

Q: Doctor, I know for a fact that I am a lesbian, so don't waste your time trying to convince me otherwise.

I am 31, and I believe I am a good-looking woman. Men are always telling me that I am and chasing after me, though I ignore them. I am just not interested.

I have had a few relationships with men in my late teens and early 20s, but I got no pleasure at all from sex with them; I never had an orgasm.

When I was about 25, I started to assess my situation, and I had to accept the fact that it was simply other women who I was interested in. That has remained so until this day. All my drives and fantasies are about women, not men.

However, I have never had a sexual relationship with another woman. There have been the occasional kiss on the lips at a party, when no one was looking. And, once or twice I have been hugged warmly by like-minded women. I thought things would stay like that, and that I would never go to bed with anybody.

But everything has suddenly changed. I went to Chicago, and while I was there I met a beautiful woman aged 38. I was introduced to her at a cocktail party, and she immediately squeezed my hand and said, 'I think you are one of us, my dear.' And I had to agree.

Things went no further, as I had to return home the next day. But we exchanged contacts.

Since then, I have been thinking about her a lot, and I am sure I am in love with her. To my surprise, she called me last week and invited me to come to New York and stay with her for a week. She made it quite clear that this would be a physical relationship.

Deep in my heart, I know that is what I really want. In fact, if I could manage it I think I would like to settle down with her for life.

But could you give me your medical reassurance on three points?

First of all, if I go ahead with this relationship, would there be any danger of me getting a sexually transmitted infection?

Second, is being with another woman against the law in America?

Finally, and please excuse my naivety, I am really not very sure what it is that lesbians generally do. My education has been somewhat lacking in that respect! I am a rather shy person, and I do not generally discuss sex with people.

Any sensible advice you can give me would be welcome.

A: Well, you seem to have been sure of your sexual orientation for quite a few years.

As it relates to your questions: First, lesbians are actually less likely to get STI. Maybe this is because these women are not very promiscuous.

I must add that anyone, whether straight or gay, can contract a germs through any sexual contact. But it is uncommon for a lesbian to acquire gonorrhoea or syphilis.

HIV can theoretically be transmitted by lesbian sex, but I have never seen a case in which that has occurred, so it must be pretty rare.

With regards to its legality, it is not against the law in New York or Chicago. In most states sex between women is perfectly legal. However, lesbians may have difficulties with various forms of harassment in Southern states.

Finally, you ask about what lesbians actually do. Lesbians mainly kiss and stroke each other's breasts, lips and genitals, notably the clitoris. Some of them are experts at clitoral stimulation, to the point of orgasm. I have heard it said that a lot of straight guys could learn a lot from their techniques.

There is also some use of vibrators. You may have heard stories of lesbians employing devices like artificial penises, and that does happen sometimes.

I trust that answers your questions. I do hope that whatever happens in America you will eventually find happiness.

Q: I have to have my prostate gland operated on later this year.

Will I still be able to have children after?

A: That is unlikely, though it depends to some extent on which operation the surgeon is planning to perform.

So your best move is to ask him what he is going to do, and what the effect on your sex function and fertility will be. One possibility would be to 'bank' some frozen sperm before you have the operation.

Q: I am interested in the 'female ovulation kits' that you have mentioned in the past. I understand that they can tell a woman whether she is producing an ovum or not.

Would it be possible for me to use such a kit for contraception?

A: That would not be wise. Ovulation kits are very good for helping women who have fertility problems, and who want to have children. That is because they can 'pinpoint' your ovulation day each month.

But they are not designed as a method of birth control.

Q: I am a successful businessman, who when I was younger fathered a child. Last year, at the age of 39, I got married. But so far, my wife and I have been unable to conceive.

Her gynaecologist has suggested that the problem may be with me. Is this possible, in view of the fact that I fathered a baby all those years ago?

A: Yes, it is possible. Maybe in the intervening years you had some infection that made you sterile. For instance, do you have any recollection of catching mumps or gonorrhoea when you were a younger?

The simplest thing would be for you to take a 'sperm count' test. This will give a good indication as to whether you are fertile or not.

Q: I am rather easily excited and I tend to orgasm too soon.

Is it true that there are some special condoms which will prevent this from happening?

A: Yes, there are some special German condoms, which have a small amount of local anaesthetic inside them.

The idea is that the 'local' makes the male organ slightly numb, so that the man does not have an orgasm quickly.

These 'last-longer' condoms can be bought in Jamaica, but I would warn you of one thing. The local anaesthetic can sometimes cause a very painful 'sensitivity reaction' in the skin.