DOCTOR'S ADVICE: Fretting about his wife

Q Doctor, I am fretting about my wife and her sexuality. Let me explain.

We are both in our late 30s. We love each other, and our sex life together is great. She really likes having sex with me. We do not have arguments. We have been together for 12 years.

But recently, I accidentally came across some old letters which were in the back of a drawer. They were addressed to her, and they dated from around 22 years ago, in 1988 and 1989. The letters were from a female friend who was at college with my wife in those days. Maybe I shouldn't have read them, but I did.

They express real clearly the fact that, at that time, this other woman was in love with my wife. They say things like 'I adore you' and 'I want to put my arms around you'. In fact, there are sentences which seem to refer to being in bed together. For instance, the woman says: 'It was wonderful being curled up safe in your arms all night.' And she writes something about 'a shattering experience', which I guess refers to having an orgasm.

This has really shaken me, Doc. I did not know my wife in those days, and I have no idea who this other woman was. My wife has never mentioned her to me. In the last of the letters, there are some hints that she may have been setting off for England, to make a new life there.

What do you feel that I should do, Doctor? Does this mean that my wife is a lesbian? Could it spell the end for our marriage?

A I think you must try and approach this real calmly. The first thing to appreciate is this. These letters date from more than 20 years ago!

By my calculation, your wife was only about 17 or 18 then. She was at college, and probably didn't know too much about the ways of the world. Second, you don't have any evidence that your wife was in love with the other woman. All you know is that this woman was undoubtedly crazy about her, for a time.

Okay, it looks as though they probably went to bed together, or at least spent the night together. But throughout the centuries, it has not been uncommon for women to share a bed in some circumstances. For all we know, your wife and her friend may have been trapped by a storm. They could even have been isolated by Hurricane Gilbert, which arrived in 1988! Yes, I agree that 'a shattering experience' could mean a sexual climax. But it could mean other things, too.

Would it greatly matter if your wife had a brief sex experience with another female, all those years ago? I can tell you that this would not be unusual. The famous American sex researcher Dr Alfred Kinsey showed that in his part of the USA, around one in five of all 'college girls' had had some form of sexual experience with another woman. Apparently, this often occurred when they were away from home, and feeling lonely and frightened.

So, I would urge you not to think of abandoning your marriage because of something that happened 10 full years before you even met your wife. After all, there is absolutely no evidence that she is interested in lesbianism these days. It sounds as if she is heterosexual, because she seems to have a real great time in bed with you. Furthermore, you say that you both love each other.

I am not asking you to forget about what you have learned from these letters. But I think you should discuss the matter with your wife, calmly and sympathetically. You may need to go with her to a marriage counsellor for a few sessions. Frankly, it may well turn out that your wife DID have a little cuddle and caress with another young woman when she was a teenager. But is that really of much significance now, when the two of you clearly have such a good and loving marriage?

QDoc, earlier this year I was 'dumped' by the guy who had been my boyfriend for five years. Ever since then, I have had problems with very fast beating of the heart in the chest, breathlessness, pains in the chest and belly, and tightness in the throat. I thought that this must mean cancer or heart disease, but I have had a good check-up from my doc. And she says it is 'stress'. Is that possible?

AYes, it certainly is. To be frank, it is pretty normal for a woman to have symptoms of stress after being 'dumped'. And among the common symptoms of stress are those you describe: fast thumping of the heart, breathlessness, aches and pains and a tight feeling in the throat. These symptoms are NOT imaginary. They are caused from 'stress chemicals' released by the body's glands.

It is good that your doctor has examined you thoroughly, and has ruled out serious physical illness. Please stick with the advice, and you will eventually overcome these 'stress symptoms' and get back to normal.

Q I am a guy in my 40s, and I must tell you in confidence that I have three girlfriends, Doc. I have always prided myself on my virility. But these days, I am getting a little worried. You see, I have noticed that I am producing less fluid than I used to. Sometimes, it is only about a teaspoonful. Please advise.

A What you have not realised is that it is normal for a man to produce a little less liquid as he gets older. In fact, the average volume is only around 5ml (one teaspoon), which is where the expression 'the loving spoonful' originates!

Furthermore, if you are having frequent sex with three women, that is likely to reduce the volume of your ejaculate a little bit. So it is clear to me that you have nothing to fret about. Forgive me if I say that in these days when sexually transmitted infections, including HIV, are so common, it does strike me as rather risky to 'run' three girlfriends.

QMy husband can't seem to stop looking at naked girls on the Internet. What can I do about this?

AThat is one of the big problems associated with the Net. It is real easy for a guy to type in a phrase like 'naked women', and then to sit there all day gazing at the thousands of pictures that appear on his screen. Sounds like your husband has gotten mildly addicted to the images he can find on his computer. So I think you should take him to a good therapist or counsellor, who can help him to beat this addiction.

QI have developed a small, dark, wobbly projection on the skin of my male organ. Could this be syphilis?

ANo. It sounds much more like a papilloma, which is a sort of wart. See a doctor so he can diagnose it, and then probably remove it for you.

Want advice from the doctor? Send your questions or feedback to: editor@gleanerjm.com