God answers Bruce in English

Carolyn Cooper, Contributor

Bruce, my son, it’s not everybody who is destined to be prime minister. Trust me. I know you’re not going to want to hear this. But I am God. And I have to speak the truth. You see this business of being prime minister? It’s not easy. Not at all. So many problems. You have to have a very strong constitution for the job. Lots of Irish moss.

Didn’t you study some of Shakespeare’s plays at your top-class high school, Jamaica College? By the way, I see your old boys have fixed up the entrance beautifully and put up a grand Latin motto. Don’t you know that Latin is a completely dead language? It’s only the lawyers who are hanging on to it to confuse their clients. Anyhow, keep the Latin for history’s sake. But put the motto in English and Jamaican as well. Let the schoolboys fully understand the high standards you all are setting for them.

Back to Shakespeare who wrote a play about King Henry IV and gave him this perceptive line: “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.” You can’t sleep in peace when you have to bear the heavy burdens of political responsibility. Even worse, when your conscience is bothering you. Henry stole the throne from Richard and had him murdered.

So Bruce, my son, this is the first answer to your prayers. Be careful what you pray for; you just might get it and not want it. Nothing but trouble. And lots of times the lowly jobs are even more important than the ‘big’ ones. My own son, Jesus, came on Earth and took on the role of a carpenter. And He called Himself ‘the bread of life’ to give status to bakers. Jesus knew that bread is essential for life. So there it is: it’s better to be a good baker than a bad prime minister. Yes, indeed.

Parson harbours wanted man

Then you prayed to find ‘Dudus’. See, you did find him. But I know you couldn’t have wanted to catch him in the company of your friend Al Miller. It looks bad, eh! A parson harbouring a wanted man. Claiming that they were going to the American embassy. Did anybody at the embassy know they were coming? Who did they make arrangements with?

And I heard Tom Tavares-Finson on Nationwide telling Cliff and Carol that lawyers have long advised wanted men to ask a minister of religion to accompany them to the police station when they go to turn themselves in. So it’s as if he doesn’t understand what all of the hullabaloo is about. I don’t know how he can’t see that a police station and the US embassy are not one and the same.

I feel so aggrieved when I hear some of those parsons taking my name in vain. I neither call them nor choose them. And when they go up in the pulpit and tell people, “God has given me a message for you,” I want to know which god they’re talking about. Not me! Long ago, I would have burned them up in a big bonfire. But these are modern times.

I’m not bothering with all of this burning business too much nowadays. It’s not good for the environment. That’s Old Testament judgement. And talking about judgement, you see those firebrand DJs who are just like those firebrand parsons? I’ve given them no leave or licence to pass judgement on who they feel like. I’ve long declared that judgement is mine. The DJs should set their own house in order and stop peeping into other people’s bedroom. They are much too nosy.

Then I hear Al Miller saying he’s ready to go to prison. Talk is so cheap! You can’t get on as if you’re above the law because you’re a parson. Duh! And he and Dudus are lucky it was two decent policemen who caught them. If it were any of the corrupt ones, both of them would have been executed in a ‘shoot-out’. And you can’t extradite a dead man. End of story.

Tell the truth

Bruce, my son, take my foolish advice. You have to make up your mind to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about this Manatt, Phelps, Phillips and Dudus saga. And you have to tell the truth all at once. When the story comes out bit by bit, it’s offensive.

You can’t cry out to the people, begging them for forgiveness and they don’t know all of what they’re supposed to be forgiving you for. It’s not fair to expect people to forgive you in small increments, like hire purchase. You have to confess it all, once and for all. You’ve forced the newspapers to be writing editorials about the last payment made to Manatt,

Phelps & Phillips. And you’re still claiming that it’s Brady’s personal problem and it has nothing to do with the long-standing extradition negotiations you approved.

And even the DJs are making a mockery of you. The Seven Star General, L.A. Lewis, wrote a tune dissing Beenie Man and playing with your name: ‘Dem seh dem a Moses but dem a Antichrist. Dem too Brucegoldious. Dem too lie an wicked.’ [They say they are Moses but they are Antichrist. They are too Brucegoldious. They are too deceitful and wicked]. That doesn’t sound good at all, at all. Bruce, my son, the crown is heavy. t’s wearing you down. Why don’t you just take it off?

Carolyn Cooper, PhD, is a public intellectual specialising in cultural enterprise management. She is founder and director of the Global Reggae Studies Centre, a private sector initiative. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com or karokupa@gmail.com.