Bank robbery

Gordon Robinson, Contributor

Speaking of banks ... I'm tormented by the latest banking inanities disguised as money-laundering deterrents. It's just unnecessary stress. Recently, my bank asked me to complete reams of new forms. Nothing's changed for 20 years but, suddenly, the bank developed an irresistible urge to know me. Intimately.

The Old Ball and Chain once tried to lodge a small cheque for me. She was asked, "What's the source of funds?" She calmly read the cheque drawer's name to the young teller. "But what's it for?" he persisted. That's where she lost her chance to be a heroine. Were I there, I'd have recommended this response: "It's for a night of servicing sailors off an aircraft carrier docked at MoBay."

Regrettably, this inspirational repartee didn't occur to her so she simply stated, "Fees." That didn't satisfy Young Lochinvar who, so dauntless in war, stayed not for brake and stopped not for stone: "I need a copy of the invoice!"

Yes, indeed, there never was a knight like Young Lochinvar!

Surrendering all hope of a diplomatic solution, Old B.C. called me on her aptly named cell phone (imprisons the brain) and, at my irate request, connected me with Lochinvar. My side of the conversation can't be reproduced here, but Old B.C. reports Lochinvar turned whiter than a national security minister hearing of an extradition request and immediately processed the lodgement. If a hoodlum with a crocus bag of bloodstained cash had been in line instead of her, I'm sure no question would've been asked. Are political parties questioned regarding "source/purpose of funds" when they lodge donors' cheques?

So, in this one-sided commerce, you can't open accounts or lodge funds with a bank, which intends to higgle those funds for profit, without first revealing every detail of your private life. The good news is that the information is protected by banker/customer confidentiality. The bad news? That's no help, especially if you lodge $31 million and your banker supports your political opponent; or if the lodgement must be reported to the Bank of Jamaica, Financial Services Commission or director of public prosecutions thereby routinely creating files of your information scattered among several bureaucratic offices making identity theft a simple task for any 10-year-old with a laptop.

CORPORATE RAPE

Once the account's opened, banks, unhappy with profits solely from the legal rinsing of your money, insist on fees to lodge cash to that account; monthly fees to keep it there; fees for withdrawals; fees for internal ledger transfers; fees for chequebooks; fees for walking in; fees for ATM use; and fees if you do nothing. All this adds up corporate rape to customers' woes which already include post-traumatic stress disorder from a severe economic depression and gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'bank robbery'. The last time banks tried to take advantage of a great depression, anti-heroes were born.

Georgie Fame tells the story:

"Bonnie and Clyde were pretty lookin'

people

but I can tell you people they were the

devil's children.

Bonnie and Clyde began their evil doin'

one lazy afternoon down Savannah way.

They robbed a store, and high-tailed

outta that town.

Got clean away in a stolen car,

and waited till the heat died down."

If Bonnie Elizabeth Parker and Clyde Chestnut Barrow were alive today, banks would think twice before so freely embracing corporate plunder.

"Bonnie and Clyde advanced their

reputation

and made the graduation

into the banking business.

'Reach for the sky' sweet-talking Clyde

would holler

as Bonnie loaded dollars in the dewlap

bag.

Now one brave man-he tried to take 'em

alone.

They left him lyin' in a pool of blood,

and laughed about it all the way home."

In the good ol' days, stressed-out citizens knew how to deal with bank robbery. But, naturally, it couldn't last.

"Acting upon reliable information

a fed'ral deputation laid a deadly

ambush.

When Bonnie and Clyde came walking

in the sunshine

a half a dozen carbines opened up on

them.

Bonnie and Clyde, they lived a lot

together

and finally together they died."

The Bonnie and Clyde legend (they were real; their notorious deeds mostly mythology) proves how much media hype can turn mundane criminals into folk heroes. Both were slaughtered by law-enforcement agents in an airtight ambush made possible by the betrayal of gang member Henry Methvin and his family. It's interesting that the post-mortem investigations were all focused either on the true role played by Bonnie in the crimes or the legality of the ambush itself. Nobody gave a hoot about the banks.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Feedback may be sent to columns@gleanerjm.com.