Kartel vs Bounty (For prime minister)

Kartel vs Bounty might evoke thoughts of a cage match to the death, featuring an assortment of cake soap and hammers, or perhaps a lyrical showdown at the venerable stage show, Sting. Today, however, I would like to nominate rival dancehall artistes Vybz Kartel and Bounty Killer for prime minister of Jamaica. Rapper Wyclef Jean recently attempted a run at the presidency of Haiti. His ambitions were thwarted by a Haitian election committee's ruling that he failed to meet residency requirements. Were it not for that decision, Wyclef, a political novice with little leadership experience, may have very well become the next president of Haiti.

Their qualifications

Kartel and Bounty possess significantly greater leadership experience than Wyclef. Bounty has long been the 'Poor People's Governor'. As the 'Warlord', he is distinctly qualified to serve in the prime minister's traditional capacity of minister of defense. He founded the powerful 'Alliance' organisation, which counts among its ranks dancehall artistes Mavado, Busy Signal, and Wayne Marshal. Kartel, a former high-ranking 'Alliance' member, has achieved tremendous success since his well-publicised departure from the group. He formed the Portmore Empire, commonly known as 'Gaza', and effectively managed the organisation, leading a multi-front war against 'Alliance' and its Mavado-led 'Gully Side' subsidiary. The winner would be spared the dual-citizenship issues that have haunted the current administration as neither candidate holds a United States visa, much less foreign citizenship. Indeed, their inability to travel internationally could be seen as a boon for local tourism. All political summits would need to be held on our shores to accommodate our immobile leader.

On the issues

I turned to my iPod to research the candidates' positions on the issues. Bounty has long been a champion of education, singing "book book book, unu fi pressure unu book". He would undoubtedly clamp down on the illicit trade in firearms, keenly observing that "politicians take the guns and give them to the sufferers". He has voiced strong anti-corruption sentiments, noting poignantly that "the whole place corrupt, the system corrupt". As a self-described recipient of a "ganja diploma" earned at the "Ganja College" he would almost certainly legalise the plant. Vybz Kartel, a past student of Calabar High, has a longstanding record of challenging the status quo as evidenced by his expulsion from that revered institution. He is a proponent of protectionist trade measures, expressing a desire to see "Jamaican food in every fast-food restaurant instead of dutty burger." He supports the death penalty, stating that "if you murder, you get murdered." He would immediately repeal the Noise Abatement Act having noted that "sound system fi play louder." Under Prime Minister Kartel, Clarks footwear, straight-leg jeans, and white T-shirts would likely become the mandatory uniform of the Cabinet. If Bounty were victorious his current lieutenant, Mavado, would naturally be named deputy prime minister. In either administration, Shaggy would be the sensible choice for minister of finance as he has demonstrated impressive fiscal discipline. Ten years after its release, he is still living comfortably from the proceeds of his commercial hit album Hot Shot.

Expert knowledge

Buju Banton would be my choice for minister of agriculture. Although the consensus is that Dr Christopher Tufton has performed admirably in this role, he simply does not possess the same expert knowledge of global commodity prices as Buju. Alaine or Etana should receive the tourism portfolio. Either would do a better job of singing Ed Bartlett's same old "tourist arrivals are up" song, while looking much better in the process. Tami Chynn would be my selection for minister of health. Looking at her each day would be beneficial to the well-being of the nation and could, in turn, relieve the financial pressures facing hospitals. Space, however, would have to be made for Beenie Man in any administration and some would contend that the health ministry would be a natural fit considering that he is 'the Doctor'. LA Lewis would be the hands-down choice to run the Ministry of Commerce as no Jamaican has done a better job of marketing with only spray paint, a marker, and a dream. 'Manatt'; 'Dudusgate'; 'Trafigura'; 'The Cuban Light Bulb Scandal'. The nation's leaders have long been making a mockery of governance. If they are insistent upon making entertainment of the people's business we might as well turn the controls over to people who are experts in the business of entertainment. Bruce and Portia can battle it out at Sting.

Din Duggan is an attorney and entrepreneur who now works as a consultant with a global legal search firm. Contact him at facebook.com/dinduggan, twitter.com/YoungDuggan, or dinduggan@gmail.com. Feedback may be sent to columns@gleanerjm.com.