I'm an ordinary man

Gordon Robinson, Contributor

The mild, mild, milquetoast west, driven mainly by pedestrian American media, is obsessed with analysing relationships.

The American talk show TV revolution experienced since Joe Franklin's trendsetting 1951 debut has been, like a famous Pamplona pastime, incredibull.

Quality control vanished while Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and Montel Williams attacked civility. Several baby Oprahs later, copycat Jamaica belatedly boarded the bandwagon with Susan.

Media's mandate seems changed from one of educating, entertaining, and informing to one complicating matters, titillating and hoodwinking people. We regularly wash dirty linen all over the airwaves; create unnecessary new fields of expertise in human relationships; and persistently over-analyse relationships in sickening detail. It's simple. Men are men and women are women. We're born different, will always be different and won't change.

Take me for example (The Old Ball and Chain will beg you to):

"I'm an ordinary man,

who desires nothing more than just the ordinary chance,

to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants ...

An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,

who likes to live his life, free from strife,

doing whatever he thinks is best, for him.

Just an ordinary man ..."

long, fulfilling relationships

Women, who truly understand this about men and commit to the truth that their man won't ever change (might pretend), will have long, fulfilling relationships. Regrettably, hope springs eternal in the female breast to mould a better man:

"BUT, let a woman in your life

and your serenity is through.

She'll redecorate your home,

from the cellar to the dome,

then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you ..."

Give up girls. Better than you have tried and failed. Genders are designed, built and equipped differently, neither better nor worse. Women's blessing is common sense; men's is testosterone. Women know that, to control, they must appear to submit. Men consider suggestion an arm wrestling challenge.

"Let a woman in your life

and you're up against a wall.

Make a plan and you will find

she has something else in mind.

And so rather than do either

you do something else that neither likes at all."

Guys, you can't win. Her team is bigger, better and louder than yours.

"Let a woman in your life and your sabbatical is through.

In a line that never ends comes an army of her friends;

come to jabber and to chatter

and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!,

She'll have a booming boisterous family

who will descend on you en masse.

She'll have a large wagnarian mother

with a voice that shatters glass"

And she can cry.

Once men think they're getting what they want, contentious thought never enters their heads. If it did, it'd immediately exit the other side. There's nothing in between to block traffic.

"I'm a very gentle man,

even tempered and good natured

who you never hear complain,

who has the milk of human kindness

by the quart in every vein.

A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,

the sort who never could, ever would,

let an insulting remark escape his lips..."

Barter accordingly

A spiritually advanced wife, seeing hubby watching his favourite game, knows her best option is to offer munchies and drinks, then leave. Don't try, "You like the red or blue dress?" knowing you don't care what he thinks. He needs sustenance not intellectual stimulation. You want a lengthy spending spree without recrimination. Barter accordingly.

"Let a woman in your life and patience hasn't got a chance.

She'll beg you for advice;

your reply will be concise;

she will listen very nicely;

then go out and do precisely what she wants!!!

You're a man of grace and polish

who never spoke above a hush.

Now, all at once, you're using language

that would make a sailor blush"

If persons in relationships (romantic, religious, political) celebrated their differences rather than crusaded against them, we'd achieve world peace. Previously quoted lyrics glorifying man's intolerance of woman were by Alan Jay Lerner (to Frederick Loewe's music) but, as the following lyrics by Roger Miller imply, any resurgence of tolerance starts at home.

"Two broken hearts lonely looking like houses

where nobody lives.

Two people each having so much pride inside

neither side forgives.

The angry words spoken in haste such a waste of two lives.

It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline

in the number of husbands and wives.

A woman and a man, a man and a woman;

Some can and some can't.

And some can't."

By and large, men can't. Women won't.

Peace and Love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Feedback may be sent to columns@gleanerjm.com.