Frustrated? Don't blame your spouse

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

As couples face the pressures of daily living, you will find that you may be stressed out about finances, low levels of intimacy and generally you feel that your emotional needs are not being met. When you partner cannot meet your emotional needs and say no to your requests, you feel depressed. It is almost as if you do not know what to do with yourself and your whole world feels as if it is coming apart. Your frustration levels are high and you are likely to blame your partner for the way you are feeling.

It is unfair to blame your partner if your emotional needs are not being met. You have to first take care of yourself before expecting others to take care of your emotional needs. Each person must chart a way to take care of their own needs and steel themselves emotionally in the event that you lose your partner through death or a break-up. It may seem hard to take but each person in a union should not have to depend on a partner to feel happy. This is an unhealthy dependency.

Celebrate your well-being

How do you create a healthy interdependency? Jennifer Louden in A Couple's Comfort book suggests that healthy interdependency is celebrating how you and your partner complement each other while maintaining separate identification and recognising that you are ultimately responsible for your own well-being. For a healthy well-being, you have to nurture yourself so you can know your authentic self which helps you to intimately relate to your mate.

• Louden refers to this as self-nurturing which means taking time out to energise your soul by:
• Talking a walk in the park
• Having a leisurely day by the beach or river
• Eating your favourite ice cream while hanging with friends
• Visiting the museum
• Driving through the countryside discovering new sites.

Set boundaries

These activities will help you to appreciate life and renew your self-worth. Such factors ultimately reduce stress and the resentment you may have for your partner who should be nurturing his/her own soul for self-satisfaction. When your partner realises that you are nurturing yourself, he/she will feel freer to take care of you realising that the dependency will be less. Louden posits that self-care also sets boundaries as a partner who knows that you can take care of yourself will feel freer to care for you because you will not be a 'bottomless well' of need.

Still early in the year, you can explore your feelings about self-care as you sort out your new year goals. Men feel less guilty about lack of self-care as they find innovative ways to take care of themselves whether through a domino game with friends or involvement in lodges or service clubs. Women by nature crave more dependence and may take less time to care for themselves, and often resent when their spouses do so, for example if he takes time to watch his favourite sport on television while lounging at home.

Self-care assessment

Using a notepad, write down as many responses as you can to the statement below, quickly writing down what ever comes to your mind. Do not self-criticise or feel guilty about your responses.

• I deserve more time for myself because ...
• When I take time for just me, I feel ...
• When I take time for just me, I think you feel ...
• When I spend money on myself, I feel
• When I was a child, I learned others came first when ...

When you examine your answers, you will be able to identify what childhood practices are influencing you in your adult life. You will be able to decide what changes you will want to make. You will find that your spouse will warm to you more, meeting some of your emotional needs. You should advocate and entreat your partner to help you recharge.

Claiming happiness

The responsibility for your self-care is not that of your partner, as the person will not be able to read your mind as to your wishes. Once you make yourself happy, you will find that your relationship will be more harmonious. As you take responsibility for your own happiness, Louden suggests four useful steps.

1. Stop blaming your partner for your problems and frustrations. You have to take responsibility for your own emotional well-being.

2. Make a self-nurture list.

Give yourself 10 minutes and write down the responses that come from the statement, "If you really loved me, you would ..." During the process, do not censure yourself, be totally honest. This list is 'for your eyes only', not for your partner to see. Keep the list and reread frequently to boost your emotional intensity. Take each item on the list and write down how best you can transform each expectation into self-nurturing action.

For example: "If you loved me, you would buy me a house." Self-nurturing activity would mean that you can decorate the house, plant flowers and making it a heavenly abode compared to where you live now in a family house which limits my creativity.

3. Release the resentment you feel for all the times you have sacrificed your needs for your partner.
Releasing resentment will make you feel better.

4. Work on your independence.
Plan your activities for your self-care and do not rely on your partner for advice for every move you make. You should be able to make some decisions without his or her input.

Start small

Start you change for self-care in small increments. You have been carrying the responsibility of your partner's family, boss, co-workers or service club members; it will be quite upsetting to suddenly stop. Besides, they may make you feel guilty. The same is true for associations and committees which may burden you with work while everybody else relaxes. Start the change small, dropping the responsibilities one by one and giving clear notice of when you will finally give up most or all of your responsibilities.

The bottom line

Self-care should be organised and consistent or you will find that you will feel frustrated and 'pop-down'. You have to concentrate on 'you' and make time for those things that make you feel good. It is recommended that you keep a journal to record your feelings before and after your self-care activity. Be gracious if your partner congratulates you on your new attitude and its positive effect on your union.

Changing your style to caring for your emotional self, you should feel focused, clear, centred, compassionate, kind, forgiving, motivated, calm, serene, peaceful, more realistic about life and situations, self-guided and living a clear life purpose.

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."

- Ashley Smith