Sex and Relationships: Moving in with your lover

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

You are in love and you feel that you and your lover are committed enough to each other so you think that you should start living together before getting married. So you make the move, deciding to move to his or her place or you may both find a new place suited to two persons and maybe a pet. As you get excited at the prospects of sharing the same space, bear in mind that you may be pleasantly surprised with your lover's personal habits. Besides, you may not be ready for the emotional roller coaster when you start to irritate each other. Very often, when couples shack up, it creates a rift in their families because of the disagreements between the partners who now fall out of love and spill over to family members taking sides.

Many persons think that to cohabit is an easy arrangement where you simply merge everything into one household. However, relationship experts argue that living together may not be such a good idea as it places both of you in a vulnerable position where you lose your sensibilities and the joy of living together is never realised. Research has shown that couples who live together before getting married are more likely to get a divorce if they do end up marrying each other.

Tolerance and compromise

Before cohabiting, couples should consider how well they know each other as to their imperfections, pet peeves, values and expectations. Knowing the individual self is also important in coping with your partner's faults or pet peeves. It may call for tolerance and compromise to reduce the conflicts that may arise in the union. This approach actually strengthens the relationship before going into marriage.

What are your motives for moving in with your lover anyway? Are you tired of paying rent? Do you feel it is time to move the relationship to the next level? You should be aware that though you may find the prospects exciting, you should be aware of the risks associated with shacking up. Cohabiting brings to light any thing you think you may not have known about your partner.

Bad traits

Based on your personal values and beliefs, how will you deal with what you learned? You may be surprised to know that your partner is:

Loud and rude

In debt

Is a poor money manager

Involved in illegal activity

Still married

Has poor hygiene

Obsessed about sex.

Some common areas of disagreement within the household include:

Failing to put down the toilet seat down after use.

Squeezing the toothpaste from the top of the tube.

Putting the toilet paper on the wrong side of the holder, i.e. paper to the wall.

Leaving shoes in the living room and generally untidy.

Failing to help with basic household chores.

Refusing to share costs like rent/mortgage, utilities and housekeeping staff.

Snoring

Taking a long time in the shower.

Watching television on his/her favourite channel without thinking what you want to see.

Rewarding experience

Patsyfound the cohabiting experience very rewarding.

"Since I was spending time at my boyfriend's apartment and very little at mine, moving in with him proved financially rewarding and this was good for me as a student. His house was big and with a lovely yard, so we were not in each other's way."

Patsy said she respected the fact that it was his house, so she did not try to change too much. She kept the house very clean and her boyfriend appreciated her for that and the little things she would do to make it homely. He was pleased when his mother visited from New York and remarked at the impeccable state of the house. On Patsy's graduation, she was surprised with an engagement ring and with her boyfriend's mother bequeathing the house and property to both of them.

It sounds like a Mills and Boon romance for Patsy but Garthdid not have a positive experience when he moved in with his girlfriend. He claimed that she was tight with her money and that she wanted tit for tat it in how the expenses were shared. There were constant arguments about money and in the end, Garth's girlfriend moved out and left him in the apartment with a note that "I am gone. You have good looks. Find someone who will be glad to take care of you". According to the grapevine, Garth was really heartless as he never brought money home, was always asking his girlfriend for money yet he could find funds to take out other women. After a while, he quit his job probably to become a kept man.

Communication

Mutual communication is essential to lasting relationships and before you move in you should discuss finances, household responsibilities and other arrangements that would make co-existing easier. Some couples write down what is expected and some even establish 'honey to do' lists for household activities. This prevents nagging and verbal confrontation. When plans break down, it is best to talk about them as they help to clear the air and enable you to coexist happily.

Overcoming each other's flaws is one of the biggest challenges in the relationship. In fact, life becomes more stressful when you decide to share the same roof. Relationship counsellors advise that you should be prepared to move out if things are not working out, so you should have your rent deposit and other aspects of an exit strategy. Moving out may salvage the relationship and over time you may overcome the issues which hampered your first attempt at living together. If you and your lover are not of the same nature, it may be best to forget about living together and go back to leading independent lives, so you can find contentment and peace enjoying what you do.

Names changed for privacy

send comments/fedback to: heatherl@cwjamaica.com.