When your partner is terminally ill

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

WITH THE rise in lifestyle diseases like diabetes, heart disease and cancers, your partner could become terminally ill from any of them. When this happens, families are distressed and the spouse/partner of the terminally ill is usually frazzled and sometimes gives up in despair and is in fear for the relationship. However, your relationship with your loved one might not necessarily change because of his or her terminal illness.

It means that you will have to maintain the relationship thriving on new strengths and open new possibilities which may, in fact, improve the relationship. There are some useful strategies you can employ to help you cope with the suffering and pain of your loved one:

Listen carefully

Let your partner know that you are willing to listen at any time to give them the chance to unburden their feelings, seek clarification and feel that you are still supportive. Your very presence to sit and listen, even if doing nothing else, is quite assuring.

Do not rush death

Dying may be the eventual outcome of the illness, but never try to put your partner in a position to expect death each day. Dying is process that takes different forms in people. It is not a mathematical process that is easy to follow. The best advice is to celebrate life each day and make your partner feel special every day. Your loved one has to come to that place that death may come eventually, but there is no right or wrong way to get there. Most importantly, do not start to give away any clothing or items belonging to your lover and try and keep the home environment in the same way as much as possible before the onset of illness.

Denial

What if your loved one is in denial? You can allow your loved one to be in denial, a form of natural protection, as the reality creeps in little by little as they contemplate death. Denial is what a terminally ill person will use to cope with a frightening reality and fright can be overwhelming causing some people to lose their sense of control. Of course, allowing denial depends on whether it will cause not significant harm - such as causing him or her to seek out painful treatments of no therapeutic value.

Ease fears

As part of the coping process, you should encourage your loved one to talk about fears he or she may have and explore them. You may have to bring in a friend or spiritual counsellor as often they are uncomfortable sharing the fears with you and family members. Your loved one may be afraid of pain and the embarrassment of losing bodily functions, mind and independence. Perhaps your loved one is afraid of losing control of his or her bodily functions, mind or autonomy. It is not uncommon for your loved one to feel fearful for failing family or becoming a burden to others.

Let go!

Help your loved one to let go. Constantly reassure your loved one that he or she can let go when ready to do so.

Reminisce

Go back to the memories of the early days you met and talk about the pleasant times you have had together. You would be surprised what they reveal and the inspiration it brings. Talking about memories can also help affirm that your loved one's life mattered and that he or she will be remembered. You may want to record those conversations to honour the memory of your loved one.

Touching

You should use candles to create some quiet time together. There is power in silence and you should touch your partner during these times. Touching is therapeutic as at is reassuring. Try giving a lotion massage on the hands and feet or try a gentle rub of the head. You can massage lotion into your loved one's hands or feet or simply rub his or her head.

Family and friends

Seek help from family and friends in assisting with tasks that are practical and manageable. You can enlist their help with telephone communications, care of children, meal preparations, providing company by sitting with the person. For smooth running and to avoid duplication of resources, it is best to set up a schedule using persons who understand the language of caring. Include friends who will provide comfort.

Personal finances and careers may be affected by new caregiving demands, especially if there were no plans for major illness. You will have to revise future plans and dreams. You have to identify new paths but ensure that they are positive and adaptable. If you have to seek the help of a financial adviser, you should do so to help you look at your financial future. You may have to forgo career advances because of new demands made through the terminal illness of your loved one.

Your health

What if you find that you are grieving for your loved one who is terminally ill and may be debilitated and in pain? As the able partner or spouse probably taking on the role of caregiving, you have to recognise that you are vulnerable to become emotionally drained and your immune system gets shattered in the process. Grief is a natural response to sharing in your loved one's pain as the illness progresses and normal roles may change.

You have to ensure that your emotions do not become overwhelmed to the point where you get sick and unable to assist your spouse even with simple tasks. You have to realise that although your spouse is ill, it does not mean you will not be able to function for the rest of your life. Grief is complicated by health challenges as in ulcers, hypertension, insomnia and mental health. You could turn to alcohol or drugs and you may even entertain suicidal thoughts. If grieving is affecting your ability to function, you should seek professional help - physically and psychologically.

Stay faithful

You have had love in your life and as you share in your partner's illness, you should never let go of the love you once had. You may be tempted to engage in another affair, especially if sexual intercourse becomes difficult. However, there are several techniques to use to bring you and your partner some sexual satisfaction. You should talk about them and experiment to see what is workable. Based on your relationship, you may be the best judge of how your loved can cope with sexual overtures.

'Begin thus from the first act, and proceed; and, in conclusion, at the ill which thou hast done, be troubled, and rejoice for the good.'

- Pythagoras.

Send feedback-comments to:heatherl@cwjamaica.com)