DOCTOR'S ADVICE - 'I no longer desire my wife'

Q. Doctor, I'm a 33-year-old married man and suddenly I seem to have lost all interest in sex with my wife. This is very worrying.  Don't misunderstand me. I can get erections and I do have sex with her when she wants me to. But I don't seem to lust after her anymore.  I think it started happening last year after she had an affair with another man. I forgave her, but it shook me up a lot. Do you think that Viagra would help me? I could afford the tablets, and I know you can get them via the Internet.

A. I would not advise anyone to buy Viagra via the Internet. You could be sent fake tablets. Also, it is always best to consult a doctor before you start taking this type of medication. That is mainly because there are some men who for medical reasons should not use Viagra.

As it relates to your particular situation, what you need to understand is that taking Viagra would be completely pointless! Viagra is just an erection-inducing drug. And you can already have erections without any difficulty.

In your case, the problem is lack of sexual desire. And I am afraid that Viagra and related pills have absolutely no effect on sexual desire. The reason you have lost sexual desire for your wife is psychological. In other words, it's almost certainly a problem in your mind. I think it is probably because your wife was unfaithful last year. This must have really hurt and as a result you no longer want to have sex with her.

Can you keep this marriage going? I hope so, particularly if you have children together. But what you should do now is to find a good marriage counsellor, and speak about your problems with him/her. I suggest that you see him/her by yourself initially and then have joint counselling. I hope that that will help and you will find the desire for your wife again. If that does not happen, then it will be an indication that deep-down, you mind cannot forgive her for what she did.

Q. I keep reading stories about women getting clots in the veins as a result of taking the pill. But is there really much risks of this, Doctor?

A. If you are on a modern low-dose Pill, the risk of getting a clot in the vein is very small. For example: if 100,000 women took the Pill for a year, around 25 of them would get a clot. However, the danger is greatly increased if you smoke, or if you have other risk factors like being overweight. Also, once you reach the age of 35, the risks of the Pill begin to rise.

Q. Last week, I had sex in the afternoon with a young woman in Black River. Then I drove straight home to Kingston, and made love to my wife. Doctor, it did not occur to me that I might have given my wife a sexually transmitted infection until a friend of mine pointed out the risk. Do you think I have caught anything, and given it to my dear wife, who I love very much?

A. Well, if you have no symptoms so far, then the odds are that you have not picked up gonorrhoea or chlamydia. However, I think you would be wise to get a check-up from a doctor. Obviously, it would be sensible to avoid this type of risk in the future.

Q. I am a 29-year-old woman. Like all my girlfriends, I am always getting cystitis. Why?

A Cystitis is inflammation of the bladder. Symptoms are intense pain in passing urine, and frequent urination. It is mostly caused from bowel germs getting into the urinary 'piping'. And it is far more prevalent in women than in men. This is simply because the female urinary opening is fairly close to the anus. That is not the case in men. Cystitis is particularly common after vigorous sex. Women who keep getting it should tell their partners to be more gentle, and more careful about hygiene.

Q.Doctor, I am a male and I am a bit confused about the female ovulation day, as regards safe times of intercourse.

A.There are no totally safe times for intercourse, although the risk is lower if you steer well clear of the time around ovulation. Unfortunately, ovulation day is not always easy to pinpoint. In many women, it occurs around 14 days before their monthly period is due. But it can occur at any time between periods.

If you and your partner wish to determine it more accurately, please seek advice from a doctor, nurse or midwife. Keeping a daily temperature can be a good guide to ovulation. So too can making a daily record of the nature and consistency of the woman's vaginal secretions. High-tech ovulation kits are available at the pharmacy but they are expensive.

Q. I am 39 years old and have just met a great man. I love him, and would like to have a baby with him. But is it probably too late at my age?

A. Certainly not. You have a good chance of conceiving, especially if your monthly periods are still fairly regular. But do not waste any time! The biological clock is ticking.

Q. My boyfriend and I recently learned that he has genital herpes. We don't know where he sheds (that is, produces) the virus from, as he has never had an outbreak. I am a 24-year-old virgin. While I adore this man, I do not want to start my sex life by taking the risk of getting the infection. However, I do want to have a sexual relationship with him. Please give me your honest advice about the risk of catching the herpes virus from him.

A. I am a little puzzled by your email. I do not understand how your boyfriend could have been diagnosed with genital herpes if he has 'never had an outbreak'.So I think that both of you need to see some sort of written proof that he really has herpes. If it turns out that he does indeed have the infection, then I feel that you should take a blood test to see if you have herpes antibodies, as many people have. You see, if you do have those antibodies in your blood, then the danger to you would not be so great. Please email me again when you have a little more information.

Q. Doctor, I am pregnant. How can I calculate when the baby is due?

A. Add nine months and one week to the date of the start of your last period.

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