A nation in pain

Over the years, we at Family Life Ministries (FLM) have prevented many potential murder-suicides by helping hurting and angry clients find appropriate ways to express anger, which is very often a precursor to acts of violence and abuse. Sadly, violence and abuse, especially in the home, appear to be on the increase in Jamaica and the rest of the Caribbean.

It is possible, of course, that we are only now beginning to recognise the widespread prevalence of a problem that has been with us for a long time. Media attention and public outcry have riveted attention on spousal abuse such as wife-beating and other maltreatment of women. Counsellors at Family Life Ministries have confirmed that these problems of abuse are not only getting more attention, they are getting worse.

The following are among the numerous, complex, and overlapping factors that FLM counsellors have discovered as leading to abuse.

Environmental stress: Whenever people get really frustrated, a common reaction is to respond to these feelings by verbally or physically lashing out at some other person. This behaviour is called frustration-aggression behaviour. If financial or work pressure begins to build, it is easy to take this out on family members, especially if the family members are weak, unable to help, or powerless to defend themselves.

Stress factor

Stress in the life of the abuser, of course, is never an excuse for violence, even if the victim creates the stress. Nevertheless, the stress factor may help us understand why some men are abusive. Some psychologists suggest that stress-induced violence often occurs in three stages. First is the tension-building stage, where stress increases and coping techniques become less and less effective. In the second stage, violence erupts. Often the outburst is irrational, and the abuser must be stopped physically. Third is the stage of remorse, justification or self-destruction that follows the attack.

Learned abuse: Children who are abused or who observe violence in their homes often become abusers later in life. When children grow up in homes where physical and verbal abuse is common, these children learn to communicate violently. Abusive behaviour clearly can be learned and passed from one generation to the next.

Personal insecurity: Studies show that abusers are often people who are impulsive, feel insecure and threatened, and who generally hold low self-concepts. Sometimes a woman-beater feels jealous, possessive, or intimidated by his partner, so he tries to boost his own feelings of inadequacy by being tough, bad and hateful.

What is it that men feel when they feel hate for another human being? Especially when they hate someone they also love, or used to love? Maybe they feel no more than a passive hatred, the grain of malice that robs them of energy to wish a person well.

On the other hand, there is an aggressive fury that literally drives them out of their wits. They wish death for family members who are now seen as the enemy. They are not only drained of the positive energy to wish their family members well, they devoutly wish them ill. They are poised to attack. This is aggressive hate. When people hate aggressively, they are driven by a passion to destroy.

Hate eventually needs healing. Hate is a malignancy. It is dangerous and deadly, if allowed to run its course. Nothing good comes from hate that has a person in its sights and can be deadly to both the hater and the hated.

We must not confuse hate with anger. It is hate, not anger, that needs healing. The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Having a capacity for anger is a sign that we are alive and well. Harbouring hate, however, is a sign that we are sick and need to be healed. Healthy anger drives us to do something to change what makes us angry; anger can energise us to make things better. Hate does not want to change things for the better. It wants to make things worse. Hate wants to belch the foul breath of death over a life that love alone creates.

Here are some things about hate that make it such a hard sickness to cure:

It is people, not merely evil, that we hate.

We most often aim our hatred at people who live within the circle of our committed love, such as family members.

We hate people we blame.

Hate can be fatal when we let it grow to enormous proportions inside of us.

The good news is that hate can be cured when we are able to heal ourselves by forgiving. When you forgive someone for hurting you, you perform spiritual surgery inside your soul.

Barry Davidson is a family psychologist. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.