Haemorrhoid's long story

In dominoes, as in life, perception is all. So it was that Haemorrhoid interrupted Dr S. Blank's (self-appointed senior lecturer in the Faculty of Dominoes) tutorial on killing doubles. Blank's partner, Jimmy Hunchback, had just played 'rounds of six', so I cut one end. Then it was Blank's turn, and the unsolicited seminar was an inevitable precursor to his cutting the other.

"Any pardy a mine who go two card wit' de double inna him han' better know how him ago play it!" he exclaimed, before thunderously slamming down his domino. That's when Haemorrhoid, that illustrious idler who earned the nickname by complaining about "piles and piles" of work, appeared. Like the great Paul Keens-Douglas, shaggy dog stories, not dominoes, were his forte.

As Jimmy Hunchback, very much holding double six but no more sixes, began squirming, Haemorrhoid's long story eased the tension.

He spoke of a lady, from hard-working Jamaican stock, migrating to England around 1991. Upon her arrival, immigrant West Indian pride was flourishing, thanks to our cricketing exploits. Over the next decade, she suffered many misfortunes, not limited to West Indian cricket decline, until, literally adding injury to insult, she was the victim of a vicious sexual assault.

Traumatised though she was, she visited her local police station to report the crime. There, the conversation between herself and a pedantic, young desk sergeant could easily have been lifted from a P.G. Wodehouse novel.

Sexual assault

"Can I help you, Madam?" the sergeant began politely enough.

"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a sexual assault."

"Where'd it happen?" the sergeant asked.

"In the park down the road."

"Can you describe what happened?"

"I did. I was sexually assaulted."

"Yes," said the sergeant, fresh out of the academy and recalling his forensic medicine lectures, "but there are many varieties of assault. To which were you subjected?"

"The sexual one," she persisted, embarrassed by the sergeant's insensitivity.

"Perhaps if you gave me some more details?" the sergeant pressed on, regardless.

"OK, I was walking along the footpath near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes, dragged me in there, removed my underwear, dropped his pants to his knees and had his evil way with me."

"Ah, I see," mused the sergeant. "Could you give me a description?"

"Well, really, Sergeant," the lady blushingly protested, "surely you don't need that detail? Anyway, as you must expect, I wouldn't know how to describe what he did exactly."

"I meant a description of the man."

"Oh, yes. He was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the sergeant, excited to finally show off his crime-detection training.

"Yes," said the lady, "he was a West Indian cricketer."

"That's very observant," said the sergeant, taking notes feverishly. "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No," she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

Perception trumps reality every time. Our propaganda minister considers it okay for a government contractor to advance funds for the prime minister's bird-shooting trip. Is it because the funds, like the cricketer, weren't 'in' for long and soon lost interest?

How long?

It's okay to overturn an entire tender/bidding process, postpone Jamaica's alternative energy solutions and invite a humungous lawsuit from a publicly declared preferred bidder. Is it that the bidder wasn't in for long enough to matter? Or is it that another one-sided 'investigation' by Cowboy Christie involving more forest-denuding prose than failures by West Indies captain Mickey Mouse (never 'in' for long) provides a convenient excuse to banish inter-party rivals?

A government corporation wrote its attorney-at-law on May 18 asking for an audit report as follows:

"Our auditors are expecting to complete their audit on May 11 and we, therefore, request that you send your reply by June 2 but not before May 13."

I swear to God. You can't make these things up. For how long will that company's board be 'in'?

"How long must I wait on you?

It's another that breaks your heart in two.

You said that, if I wait and see,

There will no longer be love between you and me."

Those lyrics are from 1962 classic My One Desire, written by musical pioneer Owen Gray and recorded with Sonny Bradshaw's quintet. They'll be 'in' for long.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.