'Dominus vobiscum'

The new Green Lantern movie revived memories of my youth as an avid comics collector. Every Thursday, Gene Autry and I would attend our friendly neighbourhood book store, timing our arrival to coincide with the shelving of the new comics shipment. In those days, comics sold for the princely sum of one shilling, one penny (roughly 11 cents), and most of our pocket money (intended by our parents to buy school lunches) would go towards purchasing several bright, shiny, new comics.

It was a big deal to be the first to own the latest issue of The Fantastic Four, Spiderman or whatever. I was a big Marvel Comics fan. Autry, who preferred DC Comics, introduced me to the Green Lantern. Soon, the hero whose power came from an alien lamp emitting green light was to become a huge influence on my domino style.

As a college student, I was a teetotaller. While fellow students tippled beer (or stronger) around the domino table, I'd be drinking Coca-Cola. It didn't take long for me to be nicknamed 'The Archbishop'. Little did I know that future scientific studies, no doubt commissioned by the liquor industry, would 'prove' my classmates were flushing their kidneys and lowering cholesterol while I was inviting decayed teeth and diabetes. I eventually combined the nickname with my Green Lantern affinity to fashion a stylish speech, delivered every time I killed a double. It made me a genuine curiosity, and went like this:

"In brightest day, in blackest night,

no double shall escape my sight.

Let those who worship doubles' might

beware my power, The Archbishop's light!"

Or, to quote the domino players' prayer: "Dominu[oe]s vobiscum et cum spiritu tuo."

Benefits of playing dominoes

Before long, I'm sure, studies commissioned by the International Domino Idlers of Talent Society (IDIOTS) will prove that domino players live longer, suffer from less stress, are healthier, happier, intellectually superior and, of course, make better lovers. Right, Omar?

If this is true, it follows that Christopher Tufton, apparently the most recent victim of the Peter Principle (look it up; it has nothing to do with MOUs), isn't a domino player. His decision, ratified by Cabinet, is to shut down the scrap-metal industry because it's plagued with theft, destruction of important national property, and general 'bandoolooism'. Well, Chris:

"Welcome to Jamrock,

camp whe' da' thugs them camp at.

Two pound a weed inna van back.

It inna your handbag, your knapsack,

it inna your backpack."

Chris: This just in. Tourism is riddled with harassment, illicit drugs and sex, destruction of our beaches, and general bandoolooism. When shall we shut it down, Chris?

Manufacturing and retail are riddled with evasion of customs duties and GCT, theft of electricity, false branding, and general bandoolooism. Time to shut them down, Chris!

Punishing the innocent

The global scrap-metal industry processes more than 145 million tons of recyclable material annually, and contributes over US$65 billion to global GDP. In Jamaica, the industry grew 600 per cent in one year (2006), with exports reaching nearly US$100 million. But, who cares? The lunatics must run the asylum and criminals have more influence over government decisions than legitimate businesses. Since we can't catch the criminal, we punish the innocent.

Agriculture is plagued with the unlawfully engineered unavailability of nationally owned arable lands. Recently, a former agriculture minister said:

"The current system of leasing arable lands tends to be ad hoc and leaves too much to the discretion of the lessee. In addition, far too much of the most arable lands has been transformed into permanent non-agricultural use."

This is political gobbledygook for theft, destruction of national property, and bandoolooism. He went on:

"... We have in Jamaica ... only ... 460,000 acres [of] flat mechanisable, arable lands. We've lost approximately 25 per cent of this to other forms of development ... .

If we are to pursue a sustainable agricultural policy, we need a strategy to protect the limited arable lands we have and to encourage and facilitate their productive usage."

No, Minister! Wrong Jungle! Let Chris explain. Why try to protect our national resource against illegal elements? Shut agriculture down!

Chris, do not even think of backing the former agriculture minister's strategy to reduce praedial larceny, including a public-education campaign and a joint venture with the national security ministry to employ a praedial larceny prevention coordinator who'll liaise with the police to track the movement of produce. Shut it down!

What next? Will we ban the indispensible domino industry? Arise, ye domino players! Dominus vobiscum et cum spiritu tuo!

The conscious lyrics quoted above are Damian 'Junior Gong' Marley's.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.