DOCTOR'S ADVICE - My desire for a baby

Q. Doctor, my situation is a very complicated one that involves my husband, my lover and my very deep desire to have a child. Unfortunately, my Fallopian tubes are blocked. So I have been told that my only hope of conceiving would lie in a test-tube technique. My husband would be willing to pay for this, as he also wants a child.

Now my secret boyfriend, who is half-American, has access to some medical facilities in the United States because of the nature of his job. He says he could arrange for me to be seen and treated at their IVF clinic. What I want to know is this, Doctor. If I got my husband to pay for me to go this clinic, could I then 'fix' things so that they inseminated me with my lover's sperm instead of my husband's? And would this be illegal?

A.  I am not sure if it would actually be illegal. That would depend on which state you were in. Some of the states, particularly in the south, have very severe laws against sexual and reproductive transgressions.

But in any case, I must say that your plan strikes me as a pretty crazy one. First, the in vitro fertilisation (IVF) clinic would refuse to cooperate with you on grounds of medical ethics. I suppose that you could fool them in some way by swiftly switching your lover's sperm for your husband's. But my guess is that they would find out what you were doing.

Also, it seems to me that to foist your lover's child on your spouse, who is paying a large amount of money for the IVF procedure, is quite immoral. If your husband ever found out, I guess he would go ballistic. Not many men could cope with being given a 'jacket' in such a devious way.

Please note that your spouse would have very good grounds for a lawsuit against your boyfriend and yourself in order to try and recover his money. So really, I think you need to drop the whole idea. Instead, please decide who it is that you want to be the father of your child. If the answer is the boyfriend, then I feel you should have a serious talk with your husband about the possibility of a divorce.

Q. Doctor, I experience a lot of pain from arthritis and rheumatism these days. This is making it rather difficult for my wife and I to have sex. Any suggestions?

A. Your doctor can prescribe anti-inflammatory pills for you. You should take these about three hours before having sex, and that should make it easier. You can also help alleviate the pain by placing something warm - like a hot towel - over your most painful areas shortly before making love. Also, you and your wife should experiment with various sexual positions. You will find that some of them are more comfortable for you than others.

Q. I started on the Pill three months ago at the age of 28. Since then, I have felt extraordinarily horny and I am always trying to get my husband into bed. Is there something wrong with me, Doctor? Is this a dangerous side effect of the tablets? I wonder if the Pill has given me some sort of hormonal disturbance.

A. No, there is nothing wrong. And I do not think you have any hormonal disturbance. When this sort of thing happens to a woman who has just been put on the Pill, the usual explanation is that she feels a lot safer from unwanted pregnancy. As a result, she is more laid-back about having sex, and more willing to 'throw herself into it'.

Q I am a 32-year-old married man and, for some reason, I get terribly excited when I think about lesbians. Recently, I have found myself talking to my wife a lot in bed about the subject of lesbianism. And whenever we have sex, just before I orgasm I imagine her in the arms of a beautiful woman. Is this harmful, Doctor?

A. Well, I think you are getting a little carried away with all this thinking about lesbian activity. Admittedly, research indicates that a surprisingly high proportion of the male population is, for some reason, turned on by what is often termed 'girl-on-girl action'.

However, in your case, things have gone a bit too far. You see, it is a bad idea for a human being to keep on thinking about the same fantasy every time he/she climaxes. If you do that, you may wind up being totally unable to orgasm unless you use that fantasy. So I think that if you can afford it, you should now have a few sessions with a therapist or counsellor. Or you can simply make a deliberate effort to think about things other than lesbians whenever you are about to orgasm. After all, there are a lot of other exciting things you could imagine.

Q. I need to improve the shape of my bottom. And I think silicone injections could be the answer! On the Internet, I have made contact with a man who does these injections for a pretty reasonable price. He is not a doctor, but his website speaks very highly of him. Should I go ahead and have these shots, Doctor?

A Absolutely not! Silicone can be very dangerous if it is given by someone who does not have a superb knowledge of human anatomy. Only recently, there was a sad case of a young English dancer who flew to America to have silicone injections in her buttocks. She did this because she had just been turned down for a show-business job.

The man who gave her the shots was totally unqualified, and working out of a hotel room. Shortly after he had given her the injections, she collapsed and died. Please, don't risk the same thing happening to you.

Q. Doctor, my wife just had a miscarriage two weeks ago. I really want another baby - soon. Should we try right away? Is it true that at the moment it will be easier to get her pregnant because her body is more open?

A. No, that is not true. And in any case, what your poor wife needs now is a good rest. Do you realise how distressing it is for a woman to have a miscarriage? Some of them actually have nervous breakdowns. Furthermore, after a miscarriage the female body is simply not ready for another pregnancy until months later.

So, please have some consideration for your poor wife. You should not have sex with her until two months after the miscarriage. And I would recommend that you do not attempt to get her pregnant until about six months after that. Finally, may I suggest that you ask your wife whether she wants another baby. You say that you want one. But have you considered enquiring how she feels about it?

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