Doctor's Advice: 'Yes' makes me soft

Q: HI doc. Do you think my problem is psychological, as my doctor says? I am a guy of 19, and I am still a virgin. The reason for this is that when I get a girl to agree to have sex with me, I just cannot obtain an erection. This is most embarrassing. At other times, my erections are fine Doc. For instance, if I see a beautiful woman at my college, I will usually start to get hard. When I masturbate at night, there is a real good erection. And often I wake up in the morning with a very strong one. But if I am in bed with a young lady nothing happens! I went to a doctor in Spanish Town, and he told me that it must be psychological. I just cannot believe that Doc. I am not the sort of person who has psychological problems. I am sure I must have a male hormone deficiency, or some horrible disease of the spine. Do you agree?

A: No, I do not. From what you tell me, there is not the slightest chance that you have any physical illness. Guys who suffer from male hormone deficiency or disease of the spine do not get erections when they see a pretty girl at college. Nor do they have good erections whenever they masturbate. And they most certainly do not wake up with 'morning erections'.

So I am sure that the doctor in Spanish Town was right. Your erectile difficulties only occur when a woman says she is willing to have intercourse with you. It is the fact that she is offering you sex, there and then, that makes you collapse.

Now that situation is common in young men. The only possible cause is psychological.

The mind tells the guy's penis not to do it. Why? Well, there are several possible causes:

1. Deep down, your mind is worried about erectile failure.

2. Your mind is anxious about the possible consequences of sex, like pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections.

3. Your mind is guilty about having intercourse.

Such feelings are very understandable. But in the long run, you will need to defeat them, particularly if you want to get married and have children.

What I suggest you do now is to have a few sessions with a youth counsellor. He can help you analyse your feelings about sex. You can discuss any guilty or anxious thoughts that you have.

With this help, eventually the hang-ups that are preventing you from having intercourse will go. But please do not be in a big hurry to engage in sex! You have plenty of time. And I am sure that when your current problems have been ironed out, you will be able to enjoy sexual relations without any difficulty.

Q: I am female, age 22, and until recently I could not orgasm. That has been real frustrating.

I talked about this problem to an older lady who has always been a good friend and adviser. Eventually, she lent me a vibrator. Although I was reluctant to use the device, there is no doubt that it has been a big success. I can now climax without difficulty. But what is making me fret is this: Could using her vibrator give me an infection?

A: Vibrators have helped many women learn to discharge. However, it is not a good idea to use someone else's vibrating device, because there is just a chance that there might be germs on it.

However, I must add that if your mature friend always kept her sex aid clean, and washed it after use, then the chances of it giving you a sexually transmitted infection are pretty remote.

Q: I am a guy of 18, and until last week I thought I would never lose my virginity. But on Friday evening, an older lady who works at the university kind of took pity on me, and invited me into her bed. This was a considerable relief Doc.

But one thing is worrying me. I was very surprised that there seemed to be something quite firm and kind of 'rubbery' inside her. What was this, Doctor? I am fretting that maybe she has cancer or something.

A: No, you can quit fretting about cancer. It is fairly certain that this older female was using a diaphragm. This is a contraceptive device, made of latex. It is shaped like a little bowl. Quite a few women of mature years employ it as a way of protecting themselves against unwanted pregnancy.

Q: I have been taking the Pill for several years, Doc. Should I have a break now?

A: It used to be thought that young women should take a break from the Pill every few years. But this is no longer considered necessary.

Q: I am a young guy, and I have a problem that I really need help with. When I go to bed, I cannot sleep unless I masturbate. If I don't do it, I lie awake for hours. Please help me.

A: Well, in some societies, notably in the South Pacific, masturbation is regarded as 'nature's way' of getting off to sleep.

However, you should not be lying awake for hours like this. When a young person suffers that kind of severe insomnia, the usual explanation is that he or she is depressed. Depression is notorious for causing sleep problems.

So I think that you should go and see an understanding doctor, and talk about your sleep difficulties. It may well be that you need a short course of antidepressant medication, taken last thing at night.

Q: I am a female student, age 20, and last night I let my boyfriend enter me for the first time. He did not discharge. Do you think there is any chance I am pregnant?

A: The odds are that you will be OK, but now you just have to wait and see whether your menses arrive. Alas, it is too late for the emergency contraceptive pill.

But please do not take this risk again. If you feel that you must continue to have sex with your boyfriend, then get yourself some reliable contraception.

Q: Hi, good day to you. I am male and 21, and ever since I have been sexually active I notice that I am climaxing in less than a minute. I have read a few articles about it, and I guess it is that thing called premature ejaculation. What would you advise about treatment?

A: Clearly, you do have premature ejaculation (PE). This is extremely common, and according to some estimates around 10 per cent of younger males have it.

The best cure is the method called 'the Masters-Johnson grip'. Maybe you could find a therapist or counsellor who could teach this to you and your partner.

Alternatively, some doctors are willing to prescribe a pill which delays climax. And there are special condoms which reduce male sensitivity.

Cheer up! There is a strong tendency for PE to improve with age.

Email questions to Doc at saturdaylife@gleanerjm.com and read more in the Outlook Magazine tomorrow.