DOCTOR'S ADVICE: A difference of opinion

Q: Doctor, can you settle a difficult question which has arisen between my husband and me? It is this. How often should a married couple like us, who are in their 30s, have sex together?

You see, my man and I have very different sex drives. You are probably imagining that he wants sexual activity much more often than me. But that is definitely NOT the case.

In fact, I would like to have intercourse several times per week. He says that is much too much. And he claims that a married couple of our age should only have sex once a fortnight or so.

When we were younger, we used to have relations much more often than we do now. It seems like my husband doesn't have the energy as often these days.

So please tell us. How often should a couple of our age have intercourse?

A: Well, there is no question of 'should' about it! People do not have to make love at a 'set' frequency. After all, human beings vary a great deal.

So I am not going to lay down any rules for you. But what I can tell you is what the averages are.

Over the years, sex researchers, particularly in the United States, have expended a great deal of time and energy in finding out what the average frequency of intercourse is at various ages.

You tell me that you and your husband are both in your 30s. Well, in that decade, the average frequency is around twice per week, according to virtually all the sexologists who have studied this question.

But that is only an average! As I say, people vary a lot in their sex drives. Some people are very highly sexed, and others have quite a low sex drive, even though they are perfectly healthy.

So I would say that if a couple who are in their 30s want to make love seven nights a week (which would be real unusual), then that's fine for them. Equally, if a couple in this age-group only want to do it once per month, then that is OK too.

But the problem in your marriage seems to be that these days, your sex drives do differ. You wish to have intercourse 'several times' for the week - which is a little above average. In contrast, your husband only wants to make love once per fortnight which, as you can see, is rather fewer than average.

What can be done about this? Well, if your marriage is to avoid running into trouble, I would suggest that you talk this over carefully and try to reach some sort of compromise. I don't know what would be acceptable to the two of you, but there are various possibilities. For instance:

1. You could agree to have intercourse once per week, on a fixed night, but arrange with your husband that there will be other times when you just cuddle up together while he gives you enough petting to make you discharge;

2. You might agree with him that you could use a vibrator sometimes when he is too tired to make love;

3. You could agree that you have special weekends away when the frequency of intercourse will be greater than usual.

The one thing that I would beg you not to do is what so many frustrated wives decide on - which is to take a lover. That could lead to big trouble.

One final point. It does sound to me as if your husband's libido has been flagging somewhat in recent years. You say that he used to want to do it far more often when he was a little younger.

Since that is the case, I think he should go and have a frank talk with his doc, and undergo a full check-up. This definitely must include a test for 'sugar'.

If your spouse is run-down and tired out, it could well be that some medical advice or treatment could help him to satisfy your needs more fully. Good luck.

Q: I started on the Pill last year, but this month I haven't seen my menses. I am sure that I missed no Pills, Doctor. So could I be pregnant?

A: That is real unlikely, provided that you definitely haven't forgotten any Pills. Absent periods do occur, for all sorts of reasons, like anaemia, stress and hormone problems.

But please see your doc for advice about why this period hasn't arrived. If necessary, you could have a pregnancy test. But the odds are that you are NOT pregnant.

Q: I was having problems passing my stool. At one point, when I wiped I saw blood. So I visited the doc, and he inserted his finger into my anus. However, he didn't say what was wrong. He just prescribed some cream for me.

A: It's a pity he didn't tell you what was wrong. You haven't given me your age, but if you are young, then by far the most likely diagnosis is piles (haemorrhoids). These are not usually too serious, and they generally respond well to creams or suppositories (rectal tablets), plus a change in diet.

If you are middle-aged or older, then it is vital to realise that bleeding from the rectum can sometimes be due to cancer. However, presumably the doc didn't find any evidence of rectal cancer when he examined you.

All in all, I feel that the best thing would be to go back to this doc, and ask him if you have piles, and whether you need any further examinations or tests.

Q: My wife (41 years) has no children. She has had two miscarriages, and also lost a baby much later in pregnancy.

Since that time, we have used no contraception, but we haven't conceived a child. We have done all the tests which were suggested, and have been told that her tubes are clear. I have also done fertility tests, and I am good.

We are both willing to give it one last try, and would like your guidance.

A: Sorry to hear about your problems. Part of your email did not come through properly, so I may not have all the facts about your case. In particular, I am not sure what tests your wife has had.

However, both of you are known to be fertile, so you definitely have a chance! If your wife's menses are still regular, then the odds are quite good.

I would suggest that you try and work out when your wife's 'ovulation day' is. A doctor or nurse could help you pinpoint it. And it would be useful to buy yourselves an 'ovulation kit' from a pharmacy.

Once you know when she is ovulating, then you should have sex on or around that day - preferably two-three times. I wish you well.

Q: My grandmother had yaws. Is this the same as syphilis?

A: Not, it is not the same thing. There used to be a lot of confusion about this in Jamaica because both yaws and syphilis were referred to as 'bad blood'.

But in fact the two diseases are quite different.

Send questions and comments to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.