Doctors's advice: Should we try swapping?

Q Greetings, Doctor. I hope you will be able to advise me. My husband is a successful businessman, and we both work in the travel industry. He is from The Bahamas and I am Jamaican. We are very happily married. Our two children have grown up and left home.

Over the last year or so, we have been amicably discussing the idea of introducing a little 'sparkle' into our sex life by doing some discreet 'swapping'. It was originally his idea, but now I think I am more interested in it than him.

However, he has been doing some research, and has found an upscale swingers' club which we could join, and I understand that it is a refined, sophisticated and comfortable place. I very much want to go there with him.

Now, I expect that you will warn us against taking that step. But what I would really like to know is are their really any health risks or should we go ahead and enjoy ourselves.

A Wife-swapping is quite common throughout the Western world. A lot of couples think that it will somehow revitalise their marriages. But, to be frank, things often go very wrong.

You ask about health risks. Of course, there are health risks involved in swinging! Could I just draw your attention to three important letters? They are 'HIV'.

HIV is the human immuno-deficiency virus which causes AIDS. It hasn't gone away, you know! There are quite a lot of people who have it, often without being aware that they are infected. And, if you have sexual intercourse with a man who has it, there is a pretty high chance that you will get it too.

There are various other forms of sexually transmitted infections (STI) which you could catch through swinging. All the rest are curable - if caught early enough. But AIDS isn't.

I don't know the location of this 'refined' and 'sophisticated' swapping club that you mentioned. There are one or two establishments, mainly in the west of the island, where I understand that swinging is tolerated. But, however refined and sophisticated they may be, they can't stop germs.

Maybe you are talking about a club or resort in your husband's home country. Well, I would just remind you that the HIV rate there is among the highest in the region. It is estimated that 3.1 per cent of the adult population of The Bahamas is HIV-positive.

But whether this upscale club you are talking about is in Jamaica or The Bahamas, my advice is the same: Stay away from it!

Q My girlfriend is 22, and wants to have a baby for me. But I am now 48, Doctor. Do you think that my fertility will be lower at my age?

A Not significantly. Although fertility declines sharply in women after the age of 40, that is not the case in men. Many men who are in their 40s are just as fertile as young males in their 20s.

So you have every chance of becoming a father if that is what you both wish.

Q Doctor, what should I do about my boyfriend? I left my husband for him, and I thought that we would then be happy together for the rest of our lives.

But what happened was that he gave me chlamydia, and then beat me because he said it was my fault. Then he went off with a girl from Mandeville for a while. He came back, and I took him in and gave him sex, food and shelter. He responded by stealing my money.

Then he cheated on me with a girl from Falmouth. When I told him that I knew about her, he hit me again and then walked out. Last Christmas, he came back and we had great sex. But he only stayed one night with me and promptly disappeared again. He took my jewellery with him.

Since then, I understand that he has been in trouble with the police. He called me yesterday and told me he has no money, and he begged me to take him back. He says he loves me.

What do you think I should do? Does he have some kind of psychological illness that makes him behave like this? If so, could I pay to have him treated and cured?

A Sorry. Again and again, I have seen good women being treated badly by men like this, who use them sexually, and then beat them and steal from them.

Usually, the woman keeps taking him back into her bed, even though he has treated her so badly. And that is precisely what has happened in your case.

No, I do not think your 'boyfriend' has any psychological illness. And I feel it is very unlikely that any psychologist or psychiatrist could treat him and make him treat you better.

So my advice to you is not to take him back. Tell him no and have no further contact with him.

There are a lot of kind and decent men out there. I hope you will eventually find one. But in the meantime, please avoid this violent and deceitful character.

Q Doctor, do those 'Long Love' condoms really help premature ejaculation?

A Well, they contain a local anaesthetic. This partially numbs the nerve-endings in the penis for a few hours. Some men find that because the sensation is reduced, they are able to last a little longer.

However, the downside of these products is that local anaesthetics can sometimes cause a very painful and itchy skin irritation. That could affect the skin of your organ. And it could just possibly affect your partner too.

Q My husband has been told that he has a slightly enlarged prostate. Will that affect our sex life?

A Probably not. An enlarged prostate generally affects the urinary function rather than the sex life.

Q I know that I will reach menopause in a few years. Will that be the end of my sex life?

A Certainly not. People used to believe that in the old days, but it is just not true.

Many women lead rewarding and passionate sex lives after menopause.

Q I am 28, and my fiancé is 29. He has just revealed to me that he had a gay affair with another young man when he was around 19.

He says that is all over now and that he is completely straight. But can I believe him?

A I wonder why he has told you? Maybe he was just being honest. Or maybe he still has some doubts about his sexual orientation.

A few teenage boys have some sort of physical contact with other males but subsequently lead heterosexual lives. Nevertheless, I think you and your fiancé should talk this matter over carefully with a counsellor before deciding to go ahead with the wedding.

Send questions/comments to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.