Doctor's Advice: The man I love is bisexual

Q: Doctor I am in my 30s, a university graduate with a good job. I thought I would never find love, but now I have.

The man I have fallen in love with is a handsome, dashing, kind and loving South American. He says he desperately wants to marry me, and I want to marry him.

The only problem is that he admitted to me frankly that he is bisexual. He says that this doesn't matter because his feelings of love are solely for me, and I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.

We have not had sex yet. Do you think it would be safe to go ahead with that? And also, should I marry him?

A: This is a difficult one. A lot of bisexual men do get married and 'settle down'. If you check on Wikipedia under 'famous bisexual people', you will find that there are many celebrated men - chiefly actors - who got married and had children.

However, from my own medical experience I can tell you that some marriages between a 'straight' woman and a bisexual man go wrong. Chief among the problems are when the man decides that he still wants to 'dabble' in sex with other men.

Now, you ask me two questions. Firstly, you want to know if you should have sex with the man you love.

Before you do so, I would like you to bear in mind that in some countries, though not all, bisexual males have a reputation for dangerous promiscuity. Has your man been promiscuous in the past? We do not know. But I think it would not be wise of you to start having sex with him until he has had an HIV test - and has shown you printed evidence that it is negative.

On the other hand, having sex with him would at least prove to you that he really can 'do it'. You see, some men who describe themselves as 'bisexual' are really not very capable of intercourse with a woman, or of satisfying her. But others are good 'in the sack'.

Your second question is about whether you should marry him. The fact that you two apparently love each other constitutes a powerful argument. But before you start making plans for the wedding, I think you must make very sure that he no longer has any desires to 'fool around' with other men. Talk to him about this - over a long period of time if necessary. Don't 'set a date' until you are really, really certain

I advise you not to rush into either sex or marriage. And there is a good case for postponing any wedding by a year or two.

Q: I have a new girlfriend in New York. She is sexually very experienced, and has shown me a number of interesting bedroom techniques.

Now she is offering me a 'prostate massage'. But is this safe, Doctor? And is it legal?

A:Prostate massage is appreciated by some men, particularly in the United States. It has been used as a technique to help older males get an erection and reach an orgasm. But it is certainly not acceptable by everyone.

It involves the woman putting a lubricated forefinger into the man's rectum to stroke his prostate gland. This carries no dangers for him. But it must be remembered that afterwards her hand will be contaminated with germs, so it must be washed carefully.

Whether you want to go ahead with this prostate massage is up to you. But it is certainly not illegal in New York State.

Q: I have started using a vaginal female hormone cream, which has dramatically improved my sex life.

Am I right in thinking that unlike oral hormone replacement therapy, it is totally void of side effects?

A: No, that is not correct. This cream is extremely effective in helping women who are experiencing vaginal or vulval dryness and soreness because of a decrease of female hormone levels.

However, some of it is absorbed into the body's circulation. So there is a very small risk of side effects, such as breast pain or cramps in the stomach. Also, there is a theoretical risk that the hormone might cause cancer of the breast or the womb. Although that is unlikely, current experts advise that users should check with their doctors every six months.

Q: I have a rash on my upper thighs. I have been using an anti-fungal medication regularly, but the rash is still not going away.

What can I do? And can someone else catch this from me during sex?

A: Fungal rashes in this area are very common in both sexes, but particularly in men.

But whether you're a male or a female, one thing is clear - if the rash has not cleared up by regular use of anti-fungus cream, then it probably isn't fungal.

So the likelihood is that you just have some kind of inflammatory skin disorder. Therefore it is very unlikely that you could give it to someone during sex.

What you need to do is to have a doctor take a look at it and give you a proper diagnosis. Once that has been done, you will be given the correct medication - and that may cure you.

Q: I'm a female executive, and I am constantly getting cystitis, particularly after sex. This is interfering with my career.

A friend told me that it could be connected with the way women 'wipe themselves' after going to the toilet.

Is that really true?

A: Yes, it is - though remarkably few women are aware of it. Congratulate your friend on being knowledgeable!

In women, the urinary opening is only a few inches from the anus. So it is very easy for bowel germs to get across those few inches of skin, enter the urinary pipe, and cause cystitis.

Sometimes, that 'transfer' is caused from clumsy or rough love play. But very often, the germs are carried from the bottom to the urinary opening by the use of toilet paper.

You see, a lot of women make the serious mistake of wiping forward. That is very unhygienic because it tends to sweep the bowel germs towards the urinary orifice.

So, all little girls should be taught by their mothers to wipe 'backwards' with the toilet paper. That practice should be continued throughout life. And if you do it, you will probably reduce the frequency of your attacks of cystitis.

Q: I am a male, and I must admit with embarrassment that all my life I have liked the idea of a woman kissing and sucking on my nipples.

Am I abnormal?

A: No, not really. There are a lot of sensory nerve endings in the nipples, in both men and women. So a lot of men do like their partners kissing or licking the area.

Provided you function normally in other ways, you have no need to worry.

Send questions and comments to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.