Doctor's Advice: He thinks I am a virgin

Q Doctor, I am getting married next year, and I believe that my fiancé thinks that I am a virgin. He has a lot of sexual experience. He is 34 and I am 32.

The truth is that when I was 20, I had a passionate affair with a wonderful man. We had sex several times, and I would have married him, but sadly, he died.

Should I reveal to my fiancé that I am really am not a virgin? If I don't say anything, will he be able to detect it on our wedding night? Should I try to make myself bleed?

A Unless your fiancé is a gynaecologist, it is unlikely that he will be able to detect that you had sex 12 years ago. So if you choose to pretend that you are virgin, it is quite probable that you will get away with it.

You really do not need to make yourself bleed in order to simulate virginity.

Some women of Asian origin conceal a little red dye in a tiny bottle under the pillow, and then put it on the sheet in order to make it seem that they have bled during intercourse. I am told that this works, though I have no evidence.

But should you pretend? To do so strikes me as being very dishonest. It is rather like starting your marriage with a falsehood, don't you think?

Also, if your fiancé expects a 32-year-old woman to be a virgin these days, I feel he is being a little unrealistic. After all, he, himself, seems to have had a pretty active sex life.

I think it would be better if you just told him what you have told me. That when you were young you had sex a few times with a man who has long since passed away. If your fiancé is a sensible man, then he will accept that.

Q I am a male Outlook reader living in England, and my partner has been encouraging me to have a vasectomy.

But would it affect my nature?

ANo. That should not happen. Occasionally, a man who has psychological sexual problems finds that these get worse after a vasectomy.

But in general, the operation has remarkably few side effects, except for some pain and swelling during the post-operation period.

Q I am now 30 years old and I have two children. I have decided that I need to concentrate on my career for the next few years. This means avoiding having any more children!

But the problem is that I do like sex. So I am going to have to find some form of contraception.

I don't want to take the Pill any more. Is the coil any good?

AYes, the coil is a pretty satisfactory method of avoiding pregnancy. Some of the pros of it include the following:

It is highly effective.

You don't have to remember to take any tablets.

It lasts for years.

Some of the drawbacks include:

It usually makes your monthly cycle longer.

It may make them more painful.

It can sometimes lead to pelvic infections.

It can fall out.

That last point is quite an important one. If you decide to have a coil, then you should check once a month, or so, to make sure it is not falling down into the vagina. You do this simply by inserting your finger to see if you can feel any hard plastic.

QI recently flew down to Trinidad on business and, while I was there, I spent the night with a pretty woman who approached me in a hotel. I now notice that I have a dark bump, about the size of a small gungo pea on my organ.

Could this be significant, Doc?

AWell, I am afraid that there has to be a chance that this is caused from syphilis, picked up from the woman. However, there are other less serious possibilities.

What is certain that is that you must see a doctor immediately for an examination and tests, including the blood test for syphilis. If it turns out that you do have the infection, there is no need to panic because prompt treatment will cure it.

One very important point: If you are married, do not have sex with your wife (or anyone else) until you have been pronounced cured.

QI have been advised by a doctor that my best hope of learning to reach an orgasm is to buy myself a vibrator.

But my husband has been told that they are not obtainable in Jamaica. Is this true?

AVibrators can certainly be very helpful for women who have a difficulty having an orgasm. I am sure you will be able to obtain one.

Last time I checked, there were two establishments on Constant Spring Road that sell these devices. One is in Baron's Plaza, and the other in Premier Plaza.

But these days, it is very easy to buy vibrating sex toys through the Internet. This is because there is such a great demand for them worldwide, particularly in the United States. Just type the words 'buy vibrator' into Google, and you will be offered a remarkable 62 million choices.

May I make a further suggestion to you and your husband? Reaching an orgasm is not just a question of fast vibrations. In addition, most women need to be in a warm, relaxed, comfortable and loving atmosphere.

So it would be a good idea for you and your husband to set aside some private time once a week, during which you could relax together in the bedroom, stroke and kiss each other, and generally try to create a romantic mood. I wish you both well.

QNow that I have reached my 28th birthday, I seem to be producing a lot less seminal fluid than I used to. This is making me worry, Doc.

In fact, the other day I was so worried that I actually used the equipment in the lab where I work in order to determine the volume. It was only 12.5ml.

Is this very bad? And am I losing my virility?

AStatistics show that the average man produces around 5ml. So the idea that you are doing badly by producing 12.5ml makes no sense.

Research indicates that men do produce a little less as the years go by. But there is clearly nothing wrong with you at all.

QMy last period was three weeks late, and was accompanied by a lot of thick lumps, like liver. It also hurt a lot, which is unusual for me. Why did this happen?

AI think it is likely that was actually a miscarriage, not a period. Please see a doctor for an internal examination right away.

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