Coping with money conflicts in your relationships

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

You may have started the new year under the burden of bills, bills and more bills!

As if you were not warned about Christmas shopping, you went ahead and splurged. That aside, one partner may not be working and you may be in a situation where recurrent household bills keep you in a stranglehold. So at the third week of January, what do you do? You certainly do not want to spend most of your time arguing about money matters. Instead, you want to untangle your struggle with money and for you and your partner to understand your own beliefs or fears about money. The following questions will help clarify your attitude towards money:

• Did you have access to money as a child?
• As a child, did you think you were rich, middle class or poor?
• How do you feel about money as an adult?
• Does money give you a feeling of power? What is your attitude to spending on items that are not essential to life?
• What financial setbacks have you had in your life since meeting your partner?
• What financial gains have you made since meeting your partner?
• What is your greatest fear about money?
• How could money improve your relationship at this time?

Communication skills

Share your responses with your partner and use them as points for discussion to illuminate your money conflicts. During the discussion, practise your communication skills, ensuring that you listen to your partner's answers and avoid the blame game. It is important to find a balance between adequate money and love and respecting each other in the process. Suggested tips for moving on include:

Transforming financial drudgery

You may be the one with the bad attitude to money, so you need to change. Talking with a financial adviser may help. Attend a financial workshop together with an attitude of caring for each other, learning what it takes to enhance your financial well-being.

Pay bills lovingly

Instead of complaining when paying bills, give thanks that you can pay the bill. Look at paying your mortgage as an act of love in that you are investing for a secure dwelling as you age together.

Learn how to budget

Sharpening your budgeting skills will reduce some of the stress associated with spreading your money around to cover your expenses. After your budgeting exercise, spend some time in nurturing your relationship.

Stepping aside

As you quarrel about money, stop and step aside to allow things to cool down. Moments of conflicts are opportune times to experience happiness by confronting your partner with positive statements that will not cause fear to create financial conflicts and claim that you want happiness at all times. It may mean that one person may just have to handle money matters in the relationship.

Spending on you

You may pool resources or you may keep your money separate and contribute equally to a common account. To reduce the stress associated with spending, each partner should control a weekly or monthly amount of money to use for his or her own expenses and to give a feeling of autonomy and personal control.

How much is enough?

Enough, like tomorrow, never arrives. How do you decide what is enough?

1. Track every cent you spend and how important it is to your well-being.

When you know exactly where your money was spent, it satisfies you and you become less fearful about your spending habits. Write down all you have spent for the month and at the end of each month, tally how much you have spent on categories like food, car, house, clothing, utilities, medical care and entertainment. If you are spreadsheet savvy, you may track it by the computer. As you go through the totals in each category, add an indicator as to the satisfaction that the spending brought you in proportion to what you spent.

2. Explore your fantasies to see what is needed and wanted.

Decide exactly what you need out of life and check them out against your dreams and cravings. The 'I wants' can be endless compared to the 'I needs'. Create a list of your needs. Visualise all your needs and use this process to chart your way forward for a month, year or decade.

3. Find out about satisfying experiences that are free or low budget.

Nourishing yourself does not mean money. Make a list of satisfying activities you can do together or alone. When you have the urge to spend on satisfying things, turn to meaningful pleasures you have listed and try not to spend.

Money plays a critical role in relationships and should be placed in the proper perspective in the union. As a powerful force, money should be used to foster love in your relationship, and not wear it away like a river eating away at its banks. Money is a sweetener - use as an expression of your love.

Send comments/feedback to heatherl@cwjamaica.com.