Wrong ring, wrong tone

By Daniel Thwaites 

Only the very rich and poor seem able to operate without a cellphone nowadays. So I've determined to put it behind me at the nearest opportunity. Once I ketch de lotto!

I've found that like much other technology, the phones only appear to be helping, but in reality they just add clutter and distraction. One, they're always ringing away at inappropriate times. So imagine how annoying it is to travel around with more than one phone like many of us do because of the exorbitant cross-network rates. The regulators need to step in on behalf of consumers to stop the madness.

Well, cellphones have been in the news recently, and not for particularly good reasons.

The New York Times reports that a business executive known to the public only as 'Patron X' is the subject of sustained Internet abuse because of some bad cellphone timing last Tuesday night. His iPhone sounded off with the 'Marimba' ringtone near the end of the New York Philharmonic's performance of Mahler's 9th Symphony.

According to The Times: "Cellphones often go off during all sorts of performances, but the Mahler incident was a rarity: It happened during one of music's most sublime moments, it did not stop after a few seconds, and it emanated from the front row, where it was impossible ... to ignore."

Alan Gilbert, the Philharmonic's maestro, actually stopped the performance, and the surprised culprit had to find and shut off his instrument.

In my own case, I had inadvertently left Mavado's Long-Distance Stulla on the phone when it went off in court. That's a moment I'd rather not repeat. Let's face it: what's just a jolly good tune in one culture is outright sexual harassment in another. Still, it was good to let people know, "Mi nuh feed pon bulla!" This is important.

Anyway, one theme up to the last election was that it was 'young people time'. That forced me to think about the tumult of intergenerational change, which in turn led me to Lexus' meditation on the issue in Ring Mi Celli. It describes Grandma's sudden insight into her granddaughter's maturity:

"Clock! So mi have a gyal a tick-tock

Grandma come in an' come ketch wi she shock!

She can't believe is har grandpickney dat!"

Clearly, Grandma was quickly brought to the recognition that things had advanced considerably! The deal, as it were, was done.

Feeling Like Grandma

Well, the Office of Utilities Regulation (OUR) and the Fair Trading Commission must be feeling like Grandma right now. All of a sudden, there's a completely new reality and their oversight role has been unceremoniously bypassed.

Let's review. The already controversial acquisition of Claro by Digicel was supposedly allowed on the explicit understanding that Digicel would not shut down Claro. That was Bruce's word, and everybody knows that when Bruce tells you something, you can put yuh pot pon fyah! But now comes Holness, who authorises the 'prezact' opposite weeks upon entering Jamaica House. This decision was apparently taken in near-secret, and certainly was taken without any meaningful consultation.

Holness barely had time to order tea and turn on his iPad in Jamaica House. He definitely didn't have time to launch the promised investigation into Jamaica Development Infrastructure Programme or find out about that fire at the National Solid Waste Management Authority. But now we see there was enough time to serve up a corporate giveaway with precious little given in return to the soaked consumer.

Consultation? puh-leeze!

The NDM is absolutely correct in rubbishing Holness' lame explanation that Opposition Spokesman Phillip Paulwell was "consulted", as if that corrects this grave error. And LIME is correct to call it "tantamount to a betrayal of the Jamaican consumers".

Incidentally, what was the rush? Election? Time for comprehensive campaign donation disclosures! An excellent opportunity was missed to demand serious beneficial changes for the consumer and safeguard thousands of jobs.

Jamaica needs regulatory activism that will move towards cost-based, cross-network charges, guarantee coverage for low-population density areas, enforce proper tower-sharing agreements, and allow open connectivity for things such as premium-rate SMS texting.

Digicel has already been determined a 'dominant' player in the mobile telecommunications market by the OUR. From that designation should flow action aimed at fostering competition and making sure the dominance isn't abused.

In other words, the hurried extra helping given to Digicel by Mr Holness in his flash stint at Jamaica House had the wrong ring, the wrong tone, and the timing is unpleasantly surprising and suggestive.

Daniel Thwaites is a partner of Thwaites, Lundgren & D'Arcy in New York, and currently qualifying for the Jamaican Bar. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.