Why MPs don't qualify

By Gordon Robinson

One of the first steps towards improvement in our governance should be to eliminate members of parliament and senators from the Cabinet.

Also, no prime minister should be a member of either House of Parliament. One of the reasons I insist on separate elections for prime minister and MP (same ballot) is that Jamaica's CEO should be elected in that capacity alone and not overburdened by adding constituency representation to his/her job.

Also, a prime minister's and Cabinet's duties and obligations are national in nature and, accordingly, incompatible with those of MPs, who must satisfy the representational needs of specific geographical areas. A prime minister should be at large to make Cabinet appointments from persons qualified to run Jamaica's affairs as they would any multibillion-dollar corporation.

MPs, on the other hand, should be in tune with constituents, play dominoes, drink 'juice' and return phone calls. Walking house to house and convincing people that you're in sync with them takes a different skill set than making corporate-type decisions promoting the national interest. This is the fundamental rationale for the esoteric principles of separation of powers and the reason why a series of Jamaican Cabinets have been abject failures. It's not the prime ministers' fault. They've been prevented from giving Jamaica the best possible Cabinet by the constitutional principle of restricted choice.

Shaggy-dog tales

It reminds me of our recent domino players' reunion to which our storytelling non-player, Haemorrhoid, now an old, grey, bearded lawyer resident in Australia, was specially invited. For those of you who came in late, back in the day, Ernest H. 'Haemorrhoid' Flower was a lazy but articulate articled clerk (student lawyer) who earned his nickname by his intense hostility to effort (constantly complaining about "piles and piles" of work on his desk). He fully compensated for his lack of domino skills with an unequalled ability to tell shaggy-dog tales. He was always a welcome kibitzer whose lyming ability protected any game from boredom (N.B. Cable & Wireless: that's 'lyme' with a 'y', not sour fruit with an 'i'). So, when we needed a keynote speaker for a special dinner honouring The Beast for long and faithful service, Haemorrhoid was the unanimous choice.

Haemorrhoid spoke of the technological advances he noticed in place since he'd been away and expressed the hope that Jamaica was using them appropriately. He told the story of Busha, a livestock farmer deep in the St Ann hills.

Busha was overseeing his herd when a brand-new BMW drove up. The driver, a young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked Busha, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Busha looked at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, "A'right."

Technology at its best

Yuppie whipped out his Dell notebook computer, connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone, and surfed to a NASA webpage where he called up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location. This he fed to another NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Yuppie then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exported it to an image-processing facility in Germany.

Within seconds, he received an email on his BlackBerry that the image was processed and the data stored. He then accessed an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPad and, in minutes, received a response.

Finally, he printed a full-colour, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turned to Busha and said, triumphantly, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"OK," said Busha, "tek one."

Busha watched with amusement as Yuppie stuffed one of the herd into the BMW's trunk. Then he said, "Yout' man, if I can tell you exactly what your occupation is, will you give me back my livestock?"

Yuppie thought for a second and replied, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a MP."

"Wow! That's correct," Yuppie admitted. "How'd you know?"

"Easy." Busha answered.

"Yu come 'ere when nobaddy call yu. Yu want reward fi tell me what me know already. Yu answer question me neva ask. Yu use millions a dollars of equipment trying to show me how yu brighter than me. And yu don't know nuttin' about how working people mek a livin'; or about cows, for dat matter. Dis ya is a herd a sheep.

"Now gimme back mi dog!"

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.