Onward and incognito

Tony Deyal, Contributor

(To teachers and lovers of the English language everywhere)

"I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there."

This is part of an email from a friend who knows of my love for games and wordplay. The email continued: "I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

"I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing."

I loved the concept and decided that had I a time machine or, even better, a dictionary, I would take a flight of fancy to all the 'in' places that I found interesting. My first stop was 'Intern', which could happen during a war when prisoners or people who are suspected of having allegiance to one of the protagonists (like the Japanese in the United States during World War Two) have to stay within a prescribed area.

It can also describe an "advanced student or recent graduate residing in hospital and acting as assistant physician or surgeon" or someone like Monica Lewinsky, who took President Clinton interns with Hillary and other ladies. However, a 'tern' is a bird that looks like a gull, which makes 'Intern' someone whose sexuality has taken a tern for the worse and the kind of thing one sees on the intern-et. Certainly, if you're intern, you may need to see a doctor.

I have also found amusing the question which people ask when they want to enter your room. They knock on the door and then enquire, "Are you decent?" Should you answer, "No. I am indecent." Were it a real place, decent would be one heck of a country to be in - everybody fully clothed all the time, no obscene language, no promiscuity and all the movies rated 'G'. There are some Arab countries which claim to be like that, but when the sheikhs want to be 'indecent' and enjoy wine, women and even the occasional intern, they go to England or Bangkok.

few suggestions

Now that we are fully into the 'in' thing, I have a few suggestions. If you want to be 'incorruptible', go to Nigeria or Trinidad, but you need to take a lot of money with you. One good thing, since this is the carnival season in Trinidad, you can be 'incognito' until you are unmasked. I once was 'inaudible', but since everyone there seemed hard of hearing, I asked to be 'inept' and ended up at police headquarters in Trinidad.

Finally, I decided that I had enough of these ins and outs and wanted to get 'on' with my life. Back in the dictionary, the next thing you know I was onerous. You get really tired there. It is a burdensome place and you feel the heavy and the weary weight of responsibility all the time. It is definitely not a good place for a holiday.

With tears in my eyes, I jumped into my time machine and I was onion. It stank. Then I thought of what it would be like to be the solitary inhabitant of my own kingdom. I found a twin island, and before you knew it I was one and only. 'E' and 'Ly' are unforgettable. 'E' is the most frequently used letter in the English language and 'ly' is useful in adjectives and adverbs like 'kingly', 'lovely', 'motherly', 'ghastly', and 'purposefully'. Eventually, I found that the solitude was more than I could stand and that while being One and Only was not bad for a visit, it was only the lonely who could stay there permanently.

However, I decided not to give up and continued Onward. What a place. People there were like sharks - they kept going and going and going like the Energizer Bunny - unable to stop, their pace was frenetic. I eventually ran out of energy and decided I would take a vacation Onslaught. Worse than Onward. It was like the present Republican Primary. People were attacking left and right. The media Onslaught had a daily feeding frenzy. Slaught was not for me.

My family decided that word travel was becoming too much of a travail, but I persisted. Just a few more stops and I would pack it up without a further word. I first spent a few days intrepid, where I built up my courage; innocent, where I spent a guileless few days; and incoherent, where I felt completely misunderstood. I then landed ontogeny, studying the nature of being.

Someone suggested that for my next trip, I should land onomastic or onomatopoeia, but these were all Greek to me. Sometime after that, I found myself onyx and blacked out. Next thing, you know, I was intensive care, then held incommunicado. Serves me right for being incorrigible.

Tony Deyal was last seen saying that he would have preferred his sex life instead of his curiosity to be insatiable.