Doctor's Advice: Flirting with danger

Q Dear Doctor, I am a successful female academic, married with teenage children. I would like your advice regarding a relationship which is causing me some worry.

Let me explain. My husband and I have become a little 'distant' in recent years. He travels a lot, so I am on my own much of the time. As you can imagine, this means that there are periods during which I have no sexual outlet. The same is true of him, as far as I know. However, I suppose it is possible that he may have girlfriends on campuses in other countries.

I have a very good female friend. She is very intelligent, and we feel considerable empathy towards each other. In the last year or so, we have spent a lot of time together, including swimming, playing music and reading to each other. She is divorced, and has been on her own for some years.

These last few weeks, we seem to have grown quite close physically. When we lie by the swimming pool, we often touch hands, and look into each other's eyes, and smile. We just seem to understand each other so well.

I am sure you can see where all this is heading, Doctor. Yesterday, we both had a swim, and then laid by the pool to dry off in the sun. After a few minutes, my friend stroked my face and then kissed me. We gazed at each other for a while, and then she got up and left. But we both knew that a gateway had been opened.

My question is, should I go through that gateway? Where would it lead?

Also, am I right in thinking that a physical relationship between two women does not 'count' as adultery? Can any kind of sexual infection or HIV be passed on as a result of what I think is called a sapphic relationship?

A Well, you are obviously a very bright woman, and you have probably guessed what advice I am going to give you.

Technically, a physical relationship with your friend is not actually adultery, because the dictionary definition of adultery is "sexual intercourse between a man and a woman, when one or both of them is married to someone else".

But to have sex with your friend would be classified as you being unfaithful to your husband. And if he found out about it and decided to start divorce proceedings, there is no doubt that the courts would regard your sapphic relationship as grounds for divorce.

As it relates to the possibility of a sexually transmitted infection (STI), in practice, it is quite unusual for women to give each other an STI, though it could happen. For instance, if one of you were carrying the chlamydia germ, she would probably pass it on to the other.

With regards to HIV, I have never seen or heard of the virus passing from one woman to another, but I am told that it is possible.

What I am much more concerned about are the emotional issues. Do you realise what you are getting into? It seems to me that you are already a little in love with this other woman and, maybe, she is also in love with you.

If you were to sleep with her, that bond will almost certainly be strengthened. The results of that on your marriage could be disastrous. Remember that you have children. It would be very traumatic for them if their mother leaves their father for another woman.

Summing up, I feel that it would be very risky for you to go ahead with this tempting sexual liaison. Like many things in life, such a relationship would be much easier to get into than out of.

Q Doctor, I need a little sexual help these days and, fortunately, those tablets called Cialis do seem to give me an excellent erection. I have heard that some men take Cialis every single day of the week.

Is this a good idea?

A Well, there are three drugs which reliably give men pretty good erections. They are Viagra, Levitra and Cialis.

Recently, there has been some interest in taking Cialis every single day of the year. That idea is particularly popular in the United States. It does at least have the merit of ensuring that the man is ready for action at any time.

However, taking these pills once a day, instead of just taking them when you need them, does increase the chance of side effects. Also, it is very expensive.

Q Is it OK to have sex when you are in the middle of an attack of cystitis, Doctor?

A I really would not recommend that. Having intercourse might well make cystitis flare up, and thus slow down your recovery.

Q.  My father is talking about getting married again. Apparently, he has proposed to a young woman.

But could he still father a child at his age? He is 70 years old.

A.  He certainly could! If he can manage to have sex, there is no reason why he should not become a father again. Remember that 70 per cent of men that age are still potent, so it is probable that your father can still have a child.

Q.  I'm a 29-year-old man and I have been trying to get my partner pregnant for a year now, but we have been unsuccessful. It was the same in past relationships.

What should I do, Doctor?

A. In view of the fact that you seem to have had difficulties in the past, there has to be a chance that you are infertile.

Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you ask a doctor to do some sperm tests for you. Please remember one important point - the sperm sample must be delivered to the laboratory fresh - in other words, shortly after you ejaculate. So make sure that it doesn't take two or three hours to get it to the lab!

If your sperm count is OK, then your partner would need some tests. Meantime, keep having sex with her around her ovulation day. This is often around 14 days before the monthly cycle is due.

Q. I am a 26-year-old woman and since I gave birth, my vagina has become very loose. I am stressed and confused.

A. Sorry to hear about this. You should immediately start doing 'pelvic floor exercises', which any midwife or nurse can teach you.

Also, you should see a doctor, who can tell you whether you need to have a 'repair operation' to tighten the muscles around the vagina. Good luck.

Send questions to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.