Short sex may be better

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

IF YOU and your partner have been frustrated with early ejaculation, it may be good for your health.

New findings suggest that the best sex should last between seven and 13 minutes (Journal of Sexual Medicine, May 2012). This does not include foreplay. Singer Brown Shuga's, in her latest single, 9.58, a play on Bolt's 100-metre record, lamented the fact that men often lacked the ability for sustained sexual intercourse.

The study was designed to calm the unrealistic belief by couples that penetrative sex must be prolonged. New findings of the study by sex therapists will bring hope to many who suffer from premature ejaculators (www.asylum.com). The findings debunk the long-standing myth that good sex must be long and tiring and that a man's 'staying power' is an indicator of good sex. This may be one reason why men go to sleep after intercourse, because they tire themselves trying to "stay pon it long", a cultural indicator for sexual prowess.

Quick and satisfying

In a random sample of Americans and Canadians, most interviewees considered sex lasting between three to seven minutes as adequate, and that sex that lasted for more than 13 minutes was too long. Gender experts posit that women will be satisfied with quick satisfying sexual liaisons with tender cuddling after, while men want more prolonged penetrative sex.

The new study brings a sigh of relief to many women who have had to struggle through long bouts of penetration until their partner climaxes. The stereotype of male sexuality is that men should have rock-hard erections, large penises, and be able to engage in sustained intercourse. This fantasy is even held by some women who assess a 'good man' with those sexual attributes.

Defining premature ejaculation (PE) may be fuzzy, but Meyer (1977) defines it as occurring before penetration or within the first 15 thrusts. For Kinsey, et al (1948), PE is defined as ejaculation taking place within one minute after insertion. Others consider pre-mature ejaculation as a serious condition if it occurs often enough before the partner reaches orgasm.

Self esteem

Even with the news of the shorter times, chronic premature ejaculators may still face difficulty. When a man cannot last long enough, it sets off several questions for the man himself, who may feel that he is just not capable of satisfying a woman, or his partner may think he is selfish or unskilled in bed. Premature ejaculation cripples a man's self-esteem, especially if he does not have an understanding partner. When this happens, he may become withdrawn, hostile in his interactions with his partner, and he may simply become alien to his loved ones.

Partners of men suffering from PE should understand that their men are not lazy in bed, but have no control over what they experience in ejaculating prematurely. Men with PE is usually so concerned about satisfying their women that they do not focus on themselves enough to stay aroused and delay ejaculation. A man suffering from PE should be able to recognise the conditions that precede orgasms and divert to other sexual activity so the pleasure can continue by other techniques.

Squeeze technique

Women will have to find other ways to bring him pleasure beyond the penis. We have been socialised to think that the penis is the 'be all' of sexual pleasure, but it is not. There is the suggestion to get 'cliterate', turning to oral sex when a man feels his orgasm approaching. He can practise the squeeze technique in which he withdraws and allows a few orgasmic contractions which would relieve the tension built up in his pelvic region and bring back sexual arousal. With stimulation from his partner, he could go longer when he resumes intercourse. What is satisfying to a man suffering from premature ejaculation is that his partner is able to have an orgasm early during foreplay, prior to penetration. Shorter penetrative sex would eliminate some problems associated with rapid ejaculation.

Genetic code

Men who ejaculate early during intercourse are more likely to pass on the PE genes to the next generation, compared to a man who takes a longer time to orgasm. Early ejaculation may result from men who regularly increase the speed of ejaculation if they are in a situation where they do not want to get caught.

As some men find it difficult to talk about their premature ejaculation experience, shorter sex times may encourage them to believe in their sexual ability. Good sex is a well-synchronised combination of foreplay, stimulation and final, short intercourse. For couples, the new study suggests that the focus should not be on the length of penetrative time, but on other aspects of intimacy that will provide total fulfilment.