Dear doc: My wife's affair and her pap smear

I am a 31-year-old woman and my sexual desire has not been too good lately. A girlfriend of mine has suggested I should try taking Viagra.

Would that help me, doc?

Alas, no. Viagra has not so far been shown to increase desire in women. All it does is to increase vaginal lubrication in some cases.

Much to my surprise, my new girlfriend is into 'S & M,' doc. She wants me to whip her when we have sex, but I do not like it.

Do I have to do it?

'S & M' stands for 'sadism and masochism.' And, obviously, your lady love has a masochistic streak, if she wants to be beaten in the bedroom.

No, you certainly don't have to whip her. You clearly don't like it, so I think you should refuse. In fact, maybe she is not the ideal partner for you.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for quite a while, but no luck. We can afford to go to America and have that 'test tube baby' technique.

But what is the success rate? And does the rate get worse as you get older?

The success rate of IVF (In Vitro Fertilisation) varies from clinic to clinic. But it is generally around 20 per cent per menstrual cycle.

Yes, you are right in saying that the success rate diminishes as you get older. Among women in their 40s, it can be as low as eight per cent. So do not delay.

My wife and I are both 28 years old and when we were fooling around in bed the other night, she revealed to me that, at the age of 18, she had a brief lesbian affair. This was when they were both at university.

I must admit that this news kind of turns me on, doctor. But it is also concerning me. Do you think my wife is really a lesbian?

No, I do not. Research has shown that a surprising number of female universities or college students, have tried brief 'girl-girl' relationships. In one study in the United States, around 22 per cent of 'college girls' had had such experiences.

It seems likely that these types of things occur when young women are away from home and lonely. In most cases, they get out of it and lead 'straight' sex lives.

Presumably your wife told you this in order to get you excited. But if you discuss it with her, I am sure she will tell you that she is no longer interested in lesbianism.

My doctor has put me on 50 milligrams strength Viagra. They are expensive, but they work well.

A friend has suggested that it would be cheaper for me to buy the 100 milligrams strength, and cut the tablets in two. Is it OK to do that, doc?

This is a widespread practice, because it does work out a bit cheaper. The manufacturers do not like it, and neither do pharmacists, because they say it leads to inaccurate dosing.

However, I have known quite a few men who do it. The only problem is that the tablets are not easy to cut. Often, half a pill will go flying off and disappear.

Hi, Doc. I am a Jamaican living abroad. I am 31 years old, and my wife is 33. I was suspicious about her movements, so I asked her if she was having an affair.

She confessed to having a brief relationship with a co-worker. She said that it was recent and that they had intercourse just once. Apparently, it was unprotected. And this was two months ago.

Since then, we have been attempting to work on our marriage. Although I don't have the same feelings for her any more, I am trying hard, doctor. But what has happened now is that she was due for a Pap smear. We visited the doctor, but did not tell her that my wife had had intercourse with someone else.

The doctor told us that my wife had HPV changes in her cervix, but that it was at an early stage and might cure itself. We are due to go back and see that doc later this year.

My wife blames the changes in her cervix on me, but I refuse to accept that. The changes have occurred just after her affair, so I blame that.

Please advise me on what to do.

Before I turn to the question of your marriage, let me first deal with the question of your wife's smear, and the abnormalities which you blame on her affair.

I must tell you that the time interval is too short for these changes to be caused from having sex with her lover. Such changes usually take years to occur. So I do not think it is at all likely that they could have been caused by an act of intercourse two months ago.

In fact, my guess would be that she probably acquired the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) many years ago. It is usually impossible to say precisely who a woman got this virus from. And there is absolutely no point in trying to 'blame' anyone for it.

As it relates to the state of your marriage, clearly your relationship is not in good shape. But I must applaud you for trying to put things right in a situation where many men would simply have walked away.

Two questions occur to me:

Why did your wife have this affair?

Why did she admit it to you when, presumably, it would have been easy to lie?

My guess is that she has been unhappy with the state of the marriage for some time, and (perhaps subconsciously) wanted to make you see how bad things were. Maybe I am wrong, but certainly the situation now is that both of you must take decisive action if you are going to save your relationship.

I feel that the two of you should have some good sessions with a trained marriage counsellor. And, as far as your wife is concerned, she should give you a firm assurance that she will never have anything to do with that other man again. She really should not be working with him.

Finally, what is to be done about her abnormal smear? Well, the doctor was right. Very often, that sort of problem gets better on its own. Your wife should keep the medical appointment later this year and continue to follow the advice of your doctor. She must have regular Pap smears, and, with luck, everything will be ok.

Please be assured that, even if the cervix problem got worse, it would be an easy matter for a gynaecologist to do a small operation which would take away the 'danger area.' So your wife will be all right.