Doctor's Advice - My deep, dark secret

Q. Doctor, I have had a great marriage for 20 years, and my husband is a wonderful man. We have three lovely children, and I have a very interesting job. So anyone would think that life is perfect for me. However, I have a big secret, and it is really weighing me down. I feel so guilty about it, Doctor.

You see, 15 years ago, I had a brief and crazy affair with a handsome and charming man who was visiting Jamaica. I guess I was just swept off my feet by this dynamic and clever man.

My husband was very busy with his job at that time, so there were around half a dozen afternoons when I was able to see him. On each occasion, we made wild, passionate love. He did not actually tell me that he loved me, but I thought that maybe he did. Perhaps I loved him a little too.

But he returned home and I have never heard from him since then. I don't even know if he is still alive. I guess it is just as well that we have had no contact all these years. And don't misunderstand me, Doc: I have no desire to see him again.

But my problem is that I have a lot of guilt about those long afternoons. I recently had a slightly abnormal Pap smear, and I am wondering whether this has anything to do with what I did. What do you think, Doctor? Above all, the question that is plaguing me is should I be honest and tell my husband about what happened 15 years ago?

A. It is completely impossible to attribute changes in a woman's smear test to anything she may have done with a particular lover. Your test results probably have nothing whatever to do with your past lover. But we will never know.

Sounds like the changes in your smear are mild, and just the sort of thing that might be found in a woman who has three children. Childbirth makes minor changes more probable. So all you have to do is to continue to have regular Pap smears at whatever intervals suggested by your own doctor. If you do that, I promise you that you will be ok.

As it relates to what you did 15 years ago, human beings often feel the need to tell their partners about a past infidelity. But ask yourself why would you want to tell your husband about what happened? Clearly, the answer is guilt. Your mind is telling you that if you get this matter off your chest, you will feel less guilty.

Well, it is true that talking about a past infidelity will often ease a person's guilt. However, I think you should consider the effect of such a dramatic disclosure on your poor husband.

Again and again, I have seen spouses who have been absolutely devastated when they learn that their partners have cheated. One man killed himself. Another attacked his wife. Others left home, or started divorce proceedings. One immediately went out and started an affair of his own. A lot of them became extremely depressed.

In short, if you tell your husband, you are almost certainly going to cause him a lot of pain. The effects on him, and possibly on your three children, are likely to be dramatic. Therefore, from my past experience, I would say do not tell him. You are bound to hurt him badly by doing so. I appreciate that you want to talk about this matter, and thus to ease your guilt. And I think you should unburden yourself.

However, what you ought to do is to talk to a professional, who knows how to deal with such confessions, and who can be absolutely trusted. The obvious person would be a minister of religion or a trained counsellor, particularly one who specialises in marital problems. Please believe me: telling your husband might make you feel better, but would be a very selfish decision.

Q. I am going to England on a business trip, and I am thinking of doing a vasectomy while I am there.  Should I go ahead and do it without telling my wife?

A. To do this without your wife's 'say-so' would not be very wise. In fact, it is possible that the surgeon in England might refuse to carry out the vasectomy without your spouse's written permission.

Q. At the age of 32, my monthly cycle has suddenly become very irregular, and I am liable to bleed on any day of the month. This is most inconvenient. My friend says that it may be all in the mind, as I have been very stressed recently regarding a lover who dumped me. Is she right?

A. Although stress can certainly affect the periods, your story makes me feel pretty certain that something is physically wrong with your womb or ovaries. So my advice is that you see a gynaecologist right away for a good check-up. I wish you well.

Q. Doctor, I have met a sensational new woman who is very experienced in bed. She is American by birth, and she has suggested that it would be nice for me if she massaged my male G-spot. When I asked her what that was, she replied that it was my prostate gland. I don't mind the idea, but is there any risk that it could cause cancer of the prostate?

A. Prostatic massage is not every man's cup of tea. But it is popular in the United States and France. The claim is that it helps a man get a very strong erection. It definitely does not cause cancer of the prostate.

However, a lot of people feel that it is unhygienic, since it involves the woman touching the man's anus. If your new lady friend does it to you, she should be very careful to wash her hands after.

Q. I am a 29-year-old married woman. During a recent storm, I was stranded for the night in the country, and had to share a bed with an older woman.  Doctor, while I was asleep she touched and rubbed me. The result was that while I was dreaming, I actually had an orgasm, and then woke up. I was horrified by my reaction. Do you think I may be a lesbian?

A. No. But the woman who touched you almost certainly is one. Please realise that anyone who is caressed in a sexual manner while asleep is quite likely to reach an orgasm. This occurrence was not your fault in any way.