Let's talk Life: Marriage fears

Yvonnie Bailey- Davidson, Contributor

Dear Counsellor, I am a divorcée with three children and I am getting married to a man who has two children. I am seeking information as to how to survive in this situation. -Marva

Dear Marva,

Congratulations on taking on such a challenge! You need to be committed to the process and have a long-term vision of success. It will not take place overnight. As both of you have been married before, the challenges may be less. Marriage requires tolerance, commitment, and understanding. Marriage counselling is essential as certain issues need to be addressed urgently. You need to discuss the issues of rituals, discipline, and finances. Each person brings different behaviours, expectations, and baggage to the relationship. There will be ex-spouses, extended families, and friends. It can take a long time for a blended family to begin to feel comfortable and function well together.

Too many changes at once can unsettle the children. It might be best to give the relationship time to allow the children to get used to each other and the new parents. Don't expect to fall in love with your partner's children overnight. Get to know them. Love and affection take time to develop. The children may resent the new parents and will refuse to have the replacements.

The children require time to get used to the new arrangements. The children have to get used to each other and the new rituals and routines. The children may feel disloyal towards the absent parents. Find ways to experience real life together. Your kids or new partner may put you in a situation where you feel you have to choose between them. Remind them that you want both sets of people in your life.

Insist on treating each other with respect. Limit expectations. You may give a lot of time, energy, love, and affection to your new partner's children that will not be returned immediately. Think of it as making small investments that may one day yield a lot of interest.

Given the right support, kids should gradually adjust to the prospect of marriage and being part of a new family. It is your job to communicate openly, meet their needs for security, and give them plenty of time to make a successful transition.

I lack resilience

Dear Counsellor, I would like to get information on building resiliency. - Velma

Dear Velma,

Emotional resilience is partially inborn, but it can be learned and developed. You need to be able to handle life's challenges with greater ease, grow from adversity, and turn potentially negative events into positive ones.

You need to have the right attitude. Your attitude decides your altitude. Resilient people tend to view life's difficulties as challenges and respond with action, rather than with fear, self- pity, blame, or a victim mentality. While life can be very challenging, an important step in becoming more resilient is to develop positive self-talk and to remind yourself that you are strong and can grow stronger and wiser as you handle life's challenges.

Part of resilience is emotional awareness. It is important to understand what you're feeling and why. Cultivate optimism. Optimism is a way of viewing the world where you maximise your strengths and accomplishment, and minimise your weaknesses and setbacks.

Get in touch with your spiritual side. Belief in God and prayer can move mountains. We are not in control. The Higher Power is.

Email questions and feedback for Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson to yvonniebd@hotmail.com or call 978-8602.