Dear doc - Why can't he 'make it' ?

My first wife passed away around a year ago, but I am surprised to say that I have just fallen in love with someone else. In fact, we want to get married real soon.

But one thing is troubling me, Doc. When I go to bed with this lady, I just cannot make it. This is very frustrating, and she does not understand what is happening. She suspects that I do not find her attractive.

I am only 35, so I guess I should be active and virile. Do you think there is something seriously wrong with me?

No. And I am sure that you are not suffering from a permanent loss of nature.

I have seen quite a few cases like yours. When a guy's wife dies, he is often in shock for a long period. And when he resumes trying to have sex, it is often the case that his body simply will not respond. So when he is with his new lady, he tries to get an erection, but he can't.

In these cases, the basic problem is that the man's mind feels guilty about having sex with somebody new. His conscience makes him feel that he is being unfaithful to his deceased wife. Result: no erection.

I think that you should now show my answer to your lady so that she will understand what is happening to you. She should then realise that you do find her attractive, and that you are not scorning her charms!

Generally speaking, guys who are in your situation do recover over a period of six to 12 months. But it would help speed everything up if you could have a few sessions with an understanding counsellor.

In the meantime, many doctors would be willing to help you over this difficult time by giving you some Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. One of those three drugs would help you to start getting back to having a normal sex life. I wish you well.

Would hormone replacement therapy (HRT) pep up my sex life, Doc?

Well, HRT is real good for treating hot flashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness and one or two other symptoms that often occur at menopause. So it tends to increase a woman's feelings of well-being. And that often makes her feel happier about sex.

Some doctors claim that HRT increases a woman's libido, but I am doubtful if that is really the case. But the good effect that it has on any dryness and soreness of the vagina is often real valuable.

Finally, please bear in mind that HRT is now known to have an appreciable risk of side effects. So, in general, it should only be taken for fairly short periods of time rather than for the rest of the woman's life.

Doc, I am a little concerned about my wife. When she orgasms, she does not gush any fluid, as I believe women are supposed to do. Is she abnormal?

You have been misinformed. Only a small minority of women produce a jet of sex fluid at the moment they discharge. So your wife is definitely not abnormal.

After I had been to bed with my fiancé yesterday, he pointed out to me that there was a little bright-red blood on the sheet underneath me.

On closer inspection, I discovered that this had come from my rectum. Is that serious, Doc? I am frightened.

Please try not to fret. Statistically, bleeding from the back passage is most often due to piles (also known as haemorrhoids). But there is a chance that it could be due to something more serious, particularly in an older person. Among people of 50-plus, there is always a risk that it could be caused from cancer of the bowel.

My guess is that you just have piles. But you should consult a doc during the next week or so, and ask her to check out your bottom. Do not be alarmed because the odds are that all will be well.

Should I confess?

I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We met at university. We have two children, and we are very happy.

But I keep thinking about the fact that about a week before our wedding, I decided to have a last 'fling'. I suppose I wanted to know what sex with another guy was like. So I had a one-night stand with an American who was visiting the university. In fact, it wasn't very good.

My conscience has been bothering me about this episode. So I am wondering whether I should tell my husband. What do you think, Doc?

People often think they will feel better if they confess their past indiscretions to their spouses. Often, all they do is to cause pain to their partners.

What good would it do if you told your husband? You might perhaps feel a little happier. But there is a serious danger that your revelation might make him badly distressed, or perhaps angry.

I can see that you want to get this off your chest. But I think it would be far wiser to make your confession to a therapist, a counsellor, or a minister of religion. That way, it would remain strictly confidential. And I am sure you would feel better about it.


Is it true that Viagra thickens the male organ, as I have heard? I feel that I am too 'slim' in that department, Doc.

Viagra works by opening up the tubes which carry blood to the penis. That is how it promotes good erections.

And because there is more blood than usual in the organ, it is often the case that for maybe an hour or so, the organ does seem a little thicker than it usually does. But I do not think that this slight increase in width would be of any particular benefit to you sexually.


Doc, I am wondering if I am an inadequate male. My best friend, who is the same age as me (34), tells me that he can have sex with his wife three times for the night. I could not hope to do that with my girlfriend!

Do not worry. It is quite unusual for a guy in his mid-30s to be able to do it three times a night. So I am sure you are OK.

While I was petting with my boyfriend last week, he astonished me by saying, 'I think I can feel a lump in your breast'.

I am not sure if he is right, Doc. Sometimes I think I feel a lump, and other times I don't. What is your advice?

Any suspected lump in the breast should be checked out by a doctor as soon as possible. That is because of the fact that breast cancer is so common, particularly among the over-30s.

Admittedly, there is some doubt whether you really have a lump or not. But please see a doc this week, and let her decide. Do not delay.