Sex after childbirth

Good day, Doc. I have just had a baby boy and he is doing well. He is three weeks old. This was my first pregnancy and I remained well throughout, which I am very pleased about.

But there is one problem - my husband. He seems to be desperate for sex! And I am definitely not. I feel it would be much too sore at the moment. And I am just not in the mood.

My husband gets very upset about this. He says he is getting very frustrated. And he even hinted that he might 'go elsewhere' for sexual relief.

Am I being unreasonable, Doc?

No, you are not. In these circumstances, the feelings of the woman are the most important thing.

After all, she has just been through pregnancy and childbirth. She has probably lost a certain amount of blood. And it is very likely that her vaginal area will be torn or cut. It may well have stitches. Only around 10 per cent of first-time mothers have completely undamaged vaginas.

So, of course, the new mother may not be feeling very interested in sex. She is probably well aware that there is a high chance that it will hurt her, or at least make her sore!

In fact, a new survey published in the International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology has found that first-time mothers are mostly very reluctant to resume intercourse until the baby is at least six weeks old. The study showed that:

65 per cent of the women attempted intercourse by eight weeks;

78 per cent of them attempt it by 12 weeks;

94 per cent of them attempted it by six months.

However, the research showed that 'other sexual activity' (which means petting or 'love play') was often started a lot earlier. It appears that 53 per cent of first-time mothers went in for that kind of thing with their partners before the baby was six weeks old.

Now I have every sympathy with you. As it relates to your husband's feelings, I am sure you are aware that many men have very powerful sex drives and find it difficult to cope with the fact that they cannot have intercourse immediately after delivery! But your husband must just accept the medical truth that a woman has to be given time to recover after she has given birth.

He must realise that he cannot just rush in and penetrate you, and that he must treat you well and wait until you are fully recovered.

How long should that be? Well, most doctors tend to tell women that it is ok to have intercourse when the baby is six weeks old. Personally, I take a slightly different view, and I advise couples to wait until eight weeks.

However, you will have noticed from the above-mentioned survey that a lot of women go in for 'petting' before they resume intercourse. There is no reason why you should not do the same, especially as it will be a good way of relieving your husband's pent-up sexual feelings.

I hope that the two of you will be able to reach an agreement about these matters. Certainly, your husband should not 'go elsewhere' for sex. That would be disloyal and unkind.